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DRAMA 





CHICAGO 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



•^nelCOPY, 
1898. 




>• 



A CRAZY IDEA 



A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 



FROM THE GERMAN OF CARL LAUFS 



BV 



MAURICE HAGEMAN 




TWO COPIES RECEIVE 

CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



James Stone. 

Beatrice — His young wife. 

Eva — His daughter by his first wife. 

Tom Blame — His nephew, a student of medicine. 

Daniel Webster White — A colored gem'man of many accompHsh- 
ments. 

Gustave Puders — A composer. 

Julius Button — Who flees from creditors, but is caught by a mother- 
in-law. 

Lillian Tussell— A comic opera singer. 

John Davis — From Kokomo. 

Catharixa — His wife. 

Augusta — Their daughter. 

Samuel Hicks — Stone's friend, from the rural districts. 

Neil Browning — Eva's suitor. 

Mrs. Miller — A widow. t ' / 1 o > 

Hill — A shoemaker. -^ U O ^^ 13 

William 1 ^ , 

Dora J ^^^^^ ^ servants. 

Anna — Lillian's maid. 
A Constable. 

Plays two hours and fifty minutes. Costumes modern. 



Copyright, 1897, by The Dramatic Publishing Company, Chicago. 

Between the first and second, and also between the second and third 
Acts, a few days only are supposed to elapse. The action of the third 
and fourth Acts occurs on the same day. 

Notice. — The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained before 
performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does not apply to 
amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. 



A CRAZY IDEA 



ACT I. 

[A handsomely furnished reception-roofji. Stone^S hat and 
overcoat are lying on the armchair near the desk, up stage. 
TaP'bells o?t all the tables. In the accompanying ground 
plan only the furniture ttecessary for the action of the play is 
denoted. Other furniture, paintings and objects of art ?nay 
be added ad libitum. The stage, however, must not be over- 
crowded. The same stage-setting remains unchanged during 
the entire play.'] 

Stone. [Discovered, alone ; angrily walking up and down.] 
I knov/ she is false to me ! She is betraying me ! For a long 
time have I merely suspected it ; as the saying goes, I smelled a 
rat ; but now I can no longer doubt, for I have ocular proofs. 
I've seen it in black and white that she is a coquette, that she is 
a treacherous serpent and I a stupid donkey ! We form, as it 
were, a fair nucleus for a zoological garden. But it serves me 
right ! Why the devil did I want to get married a second 
time ? But I'll soon put a stop to this, and carry out the plans 
I decided upon some time ago. I suppose my lady will open 
her eyes wide, but she'll have to submit. I'll see who is the 
master here ! [During the last part of preceding speech he 
has rung the bell on table down stage L. Enter "William and 
Dora door in r. flat. Stone remains to their L.] 

William. Did you ring, sir ? 

Dora. Did you want me, sir ? 

Stone. [To William.] Have all my trunks been packed, as 
I ordered ? 

William. They are all ready, Mr. Stone. 

Stone. All right 1 [To Dora.] And the ladies' trunks ? 

Dora. They've all been attended to, sir, but 

Stone. But ? What is there to but ? 



8 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Dora. What will the missus say, sir ? As yet she knows 
nothing about it . 

Stone. Nor do I want her to ! It's a little surprise which I 
have prepared for her. Do you understand ? Anyhow, it's 
none of your business — it's mine. [Turns aivayj] 

William. [Aside to Dora.] He's pretty cranky to-day. 

Dora. [Aside to William.] You've got to put up with it 
when you have to serve such folks. 

Stone. Have all the large pieces sent at once to the Union 
Depot ! [William and Dora, are ahotit to go.'] Wait a second ! 
You have probably surmised that we're about to travel. I shall 
not need your services any longer. Here are your wages and 
a month's pay for the notice I should have given you. Also 
your references. [Gives William money and papers which he 
has taken from the desk up stage. William is about to go. To 
Dora.] Here is yours, Dora ! [He gives her money and 
papers and kisses her. William turns round just in time to 
see this : to William.] Isn't the money right .'' You can go to 
my friend, Mr. Thurber, who will employ you at once. But I 
want you to leave here as soon as you can. 

William. Very well, Mr. Stone. 

Dora. I'm much obliged to you, sir. [Both ex. D. R. F.] 

Stone. So, that's fixed ! Everything goes swimmingly thus 
far. But I wish Tom would come. I hope he's not going to 
disappoint me ! [Eva enters door L. 3 E. reading a book. 
Stone walks up and down R. C. of stage.] 

Eva. [Sits down in armchair L. down stage.'] Good- 
morning, papa. 

Stone. , Good-morning, my darling ! 

Eva. [Reads and laughs loudly.'] Ahaha ! 

Stone. You seem to be in good humor to-day ! 

Eva. Yes, papa ! This is such a funny book, — it makes me 
laugh continually. 

Stone. Is that so ? What's the title ? 

Eva. " How husbands are fooled ! " It's a novel full of 
laughable situations. You ought to read it ! 

Stone. [Insinuating.'] No, thanks ! I know more about it 
already than I want to ! [Aside.'] I must make some plaus- 
ible excuse to her for our sudden trip. Her innocent mind 
must have no inkling of the domestic drama which is being 
acted under this very roof. [To Eva, lovingly.] Sweetheart! 

Eva. Papa, dear ? 

Stone. You have often wished to travel, to see a bit of the 
world, haven't you .^ 



A CRAZY IDEA. 9 

Eva. Yes. I think it would be too lovely for anything. 

Stone. Well, your wish will soon be gratified. 

Eva. [Clapping her hands, \ Really? [Rising.] Won't 
that be nice ! When are we to start ? 

Stone. [Hesitatingly.'] At once ! To-day ! 

Eva. So soon ? Then I'll have to go and 

Stone. Your trunks have already been piicked. All you 
need is your satchel with your toilet articles. 

Eva. It's almost too good to be true ! It's such a surprise I 
You're the dearest papa in the world. [Kisses him and runs 
qff-U3 E.] 

Stone. [Looking after her and folloiving her a few steps.] 
She's just like her father — suspects nothing wrong till she 
actually rubs against it. But why the devil don't that fellow 
Tom come ? I have still so many things to tell him. [Enter 
Beatrice R. 3 e. with some needlework in her hand.] 

Beatrice. [Aside.] He generally goes out about this time. 
Why don't he do so today ! 

Stone. [Aside.] Ah, there she is ! Now to put my foot 
down. [With his thumbs in the armholes of his if est, he 
walks tip and down L. C] 

Beat. [Sits down in armchair down stage R.] Won't you 
be kind enough to stop walking up and down like a bear in his 
cage, and sit down like a rational being ? You might at least 
have a little consideration for my nerves ? 

Stone. [Suddenly stopping.] Trixie ! Trixie ! 

Beat. How often have I been compelled to tell you that my 
name is not " Trixie ! " Please call me by my proper name — • 
" Beatrice ! " 

Stone. Well, then, — Beatrice, we are going to make atrip, — 
we will travel a little ! 

Beat. Thank Heaven I — At last you have struck a sensible 
idea ! 

Stone. [Absolutely dumfounded.] Eh ? 

Beat. I really did not think you capable of forming one like 
it ! 

Stone. [Aside.] I commence to believe that she's making 
a fool of me ! 

Beat. And when do you intend to start ? 

Stone. [Observing her closely.] We'll leave to-day ! 

Beat. [Slightly startled.] What ?— To-day ? 

Stone. [Aside.] Aha !— That startled her ! [Aloud.] Our 
train starts in an hour. 

Beat. You seem to be in a terrible hurry ! 



10 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Stone. All my plans are made, — everything is ready, and 
I have made up my mind to leave by that very train. 
' Beat. [Aside.'] That poor Neil will come for nothing to-day ! 

Stone. {Aside.'] She's figuring how to get out of this \ 

Beat. [Aside.] Well I can't help him, — he'll have to con- 
trol his sentiments till our return. [Aloud.] Since you are 
determined to start to-day, — very well, — be it so ! [Rises.] Just 
give me a few minutes to get ready ! 

Stone. [Astonished.] Beatrice, I must give you credit for 
one thing, — it takes a good deal to put you out ! 

Beat. [Laughingly.] You might have found that out along 
time ago. [Ex. R. 3 E.] 

Stone. [Looking after her.] I found out more about 
you than you suspect ! [Taking a few steps to L.] But how a 
person with a guilty conscience like hers can laugh, is beyond 
my feeble comprehension. [Enter Tom door R. F.J 

Tom. [Coming down R. C. He carries a small satchel, a 
few books, a pair of boxing gloves, and a couple of long pipes.] 
My dear uncle, here I am — at your commands. [Places the 
different objects he carries on table R. They shake hands.] 

Stone. At last ! But I wrote you to bring all your things, — 
that I wanted you to come and live here. 

Tom. AH my earthly possessions are on that table there ! 

Stone. What ?— Is that all you've got ? 

Tom. The justly celebrated Diogenes had even less. And 
still his fame prevails. 

Stone. Yes, the absence of many earthly possessions seems 
to be the prerogative of many celebrated and learned individuals. 
It pays better to be a politician, it appears. But let's end this 
nonsense and listen to me. [He pulls him mysteriously to the 
L. corner, changes positions with him, and presses him down in 
an armchair down stage L.J 

Tom. I am all ears. 

Stone. I am going to travel for a while with my wife and 
Eva, and we leave to-day. 

Tom. [Astonished.] What ? 

Stone. It is absolutely nobody's business where we are going, 
do you hear ? Now, I'll tell you what has compelled me to 
come to this sudden decision. My wife is false to me. 

Tom. But, uncle, you must be mistaken. I would stake my 
life on her. 

Stone. Don't you do it. 

Tom. She is the last person on earth to whom a man would 
dare to offer the slightest familiarity. 



A CRAZY IDEA. II 

Stone. Appearances are sometimes deceptive. I have often 
closed my eyes when I saw her cut her capers with all sorts of 
youngsters and dudes. But this time it's a more serious affair. 
For some time past my attention has been drawn to a certain 
young fellow who continually hangs around the house and 
manages to follow us everywhere, — on our walks, to balls, con- 
certs or theatres, — and who is always to be found somewhere 
near us. That his unwelcome attentions do not concern me, is 
a dead certainty, and furthermore, I have observed that my 
wife always became somewhat nervous as soon as she set her 
eyes on him. 

Tom. But you should not blame my aunt for what probably 
is merely an innocent infatuation on the part of this young man. 

Stone. Innocent, eh ? But what do you know about innocence, 
anyway ? Will you still be of the same opinion when I tell you 
that she corresponds with him ? 

Tom. [Perplexed.] My aunt ? 

Stone. Yes, your aunt ! The fellow's name is Neil Brown- 
ing. Listen to this. I took a copy of her letter: — " My dear 
Mr. Browning, — I am at last going to gratify your wish and grant 
you the interview you have asked for, although it really is 
wrong for me to act thus behind my husband's back." That's 
lovely, isn't it ? " But I sympathize with you." Now, isn't that 
kind of her ? " Call to-morrow morning between eleven and 
twelve." That means to-day. " I will take care that you shall 
find me alone. But be very careful, else you may spoil every- 
thing. With kindest wishes, yours — Beatrice Stone." Now, do 
you understand my feelings ? 

Tom. [Rising!] Are you going to challenge him ? 

Stone. Challenge him ? No such fool. Don't you think 
I am getting it in the neck sufficiently v/ithout being shot at in 
the bargain ? No, I'll tell you what I am going to do. It's 
getting too hot for me here — I can't stand it any longer. There- 
fore I've decided to travel for a while with my wife and daughter. 
I'll probably be away three or four months, and I want you to 
stay here in the house during that time, and take care of it. 

Tom. I stay here ? 

Stone. Here is your allowance for this month ; your money 
for the next I'll send you from wherever I may happen to be. 
Now be sure to make it last you — you are saving your room-rent 
as it is. You'll have a capital chance to read up for your next 
examination ; so don't fool your time away, and take good care 
of the house till our return. Here are all the keys. [He hands 
TolU fh<^ keys.] Leave this one alone,— it's the key to my wine- 



12 A CRAZY IDEA. 

cellar. Now promise me to be a good boy, and to study. I 
know that Eva and you love each other, and, it is my most 
ardent wish that you two will marry in time. Put her there, 
my "boy ! 

Tom. Here goes, uncle ! {They shake hands. '] 

Stone. In half an hour from now you'll be lord and master 
here, and if this fellow Browning should call, give him a warm 
reception — I'll stand the consequences, whatever they may be. 

Tom. Then you sent him the letter .? 

Stone. Of course, I did. I managed to close the envelope 
again very cleverly and forwarded it. Hush, — my wife ! 
[Beatrice enters R. 3 E. dressed in a travelling costtttne, and 
leading a s?nall dog by a string.] 

Tom. Good-morning, aunt ! 

Beat. \Buftoning her gloves.'] Good-morning, Tom. Did 
Uncle tell you the news — that we are going on a trip ? 

Stone. Of course, I did ! Tom is going to take charge of the 
house. 

Beat. {Starting.] So ? {Aside^^ Then he'll meet Brown- 
ing. 

Stone. {Aside to Tom.] Did you observe how she started ? 
She is afraid you'll meet her Don Juan. 

Beat. {Aside.] If I could only have an explanation with 
Tom before we leave. 

Stone. {Goes to armchair near desk to get his overcoat and 
hat J looking at his watch.'] It's our time ! We'll have to be 
off. {Calling to L.] Eva ! Eva ! 

Eva. {Offstage.'] I'm coming! {Enters R. 3 E. with a 
parrot cage in her hand.] Here I am. Ah, Cousin Tom, did 
you hear 

Stone. [Interrupting her.'] Yes, yes, he knows all about it. 
Are you gomg to take that animal along ? 

Eva. I can't leave him here to starve, papa. 

Stone. Here, give it to Tom ! He'll take care of it. 

Eva. Will you look after him, Tom ? 

Tom. I'll watch over him like a mother. [Eva hands hint 
the caoe.] 

Beat. [Hands Tom the string to which the stnall dog is 
attached.] Here, Tom, then you may as well take care of 
Bijou. He would only be a nuisance on the cars. 

Stone. [Urging thon 071.] Now then, come along ! We have 
not a second to lose ! Tom, don't forget what I told you, and 
study hard ! 

Beat. [While going.] Don't neglect Bijou, Tom ! Good-bye ! 



A CRAZY IDEA. 1 3 

Eva. [Following her.] Let birdie have some ripe fruit, and 
plenty of water ! Ta ta, cousin. 

Stone. [Pushing the ladies before him.\ That will do now. 
Off with you ! Good-bye, my boy. [All three ex, door R. f.] 

Tom. [Alone.A^ Good-bye! A pleasant journey ! [Here- 
mains in the centre of stage, with the bird cage in one hand 
and in the other the string to which the dog is tied ; suddenly 
he bursts out laiighing.'] Here's a comedy situation for you, and 
all through my uncle's jealousy. But the more 1 think it over, 
the better it suits me. I have an elegantly furnished house at 
my disposal, including the key to the wine-cellar. Here 
[Poifiting to table L. c] are the cigars — hm ! I am fixed quite 
comfortably, and if I should get a little lonesome, I can teach 
the parrot to swear, or the dog a few tricks. But till then they'll 
have to look out for themselves. [He places cage and dog in 
room R. 2 E.] Uncle's advice is that I should get ready for my 
doctor's examination, so I'll have a position in life and be able 
to marry Eva. But there's the rub, — to marry Eva ! I don't 
know, — I like her very much, but still I can't think of her as my 
wife. However, we'll see ! And now to work ! [He picks up 
one of his books, lights a cigar, and stretches himself out on 
the sofa.~\ " The principal nerve disorders, — their origin and 
treatment." It's a very good book ! Slightly incomprehensible, 
but all the dryer for that. [A knock is heard at door R. F.] 
Come in ! [Enter Daniel Webster White R. f.] 

Dan. Mornin' to you, Mr. Blane, sah ! 

Tom. Is it you, Dan ? What in the devil's name brings you 
here ? 

Dan. I just come from you' room, sah, and they toll me you 
have taken up you' quarters with you' uncle, Mr. Stone, sah. 
So I've come to see if you could not use a real smart 'telligent 
young person of cullur, sah, who can put his hands to most any- 
thing, as you know, sah. I can cook for you, do errands, shave 
you, tell people you doan want to see you're not at home, 
sah, shine you' shoes, clean you' close, — fac' anything you might 
want me to do, sah. 

Tom. Yes, Dan, I am well aware of your multitudinous and 
valuable qualities. So be it, then, you'll be my factotum. Only 
one thing I must tell you, — you won't get any wages till my 
uncle's return. 

Dan. But may be that's a long time, sah ! 

Tom. Three or four months at the most ! 

Dan. Well, alright, sah ! You'll be Rob'son Crusoe in dis 
year domestic island, an' I'll be you' Friday. 



14 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Tom. Then it's a bargain ! Now the first person I don't want 
to see is old David Cohen ! He's sure to find out where I am. 
I'm never at home when he calls, mind. He has a note of mine, 
which becomes due the day after to-morrow. I've had it ex- 
tended thirteen times, and old David swears he won't wait any- 
longer, [Assti??ies a sitting posiliofi.'] I'm sorry for him, but 
he's in hard luck, — he'll have to wait a little longer, 

Dan. Den you can't pay him, sah ? 

Tom. Now, Dan, your father and mother were born on our 
plantation, down in Georgia, so were you. You've known me 
from childhood, — answer me. Have you ever known me to 
have one hundred and twenty-five dollars at one time .'' 

Dan. Cannot 'sactly recomember, sah, as I eber did. You' 
folks done lose eberything in de wah. If you had been rich, 
you would have had no 'casion to borrow from him, I dare 
say. 

Tom. Unfortunately he can't see it in that light. 

Dan. Dem uncles, sah, has hearts ob flint. 'Deed dey has, 
Massa Tom. Wonder what can be done ? 

Tom. First of all, go and bring me up a bottle of claret from 
the cellar ; it might inspire me with some bright idea. 

Dan. You have de key of de wine-cellar, sah ? But dat's all 
dat's wanted. 

Tom. How so ? 

Dan. It's quite simple, sah. We can sell wine. 

Tom. No, Daniel, it won't do. A gentleman drinks his 
wine, but he don't sell it. The sacrifice would be too great. 

Dan. I dunno, sah. I know lots of white folks what drink 
der wine and also sell it. But they ain't folks of quality. How 
long did you say Massa Stone would be away ? 

Tom^ 1 told you three or four months. 

Dan. And here we are rackin' our poo' brains when de 
money is laying as good as in our hands. 

Tom. What nonsense are you talking about ? 

Dan. No, indeedee, sah. No nonsense, Massa Tom. We 
will rent out de rooms. 

Tom. Are you going crazy ? 

Dan. [Paying 710 heed to Tom.] We'll rent de rooms fur- 
nished with breakfust if dey want it. Of course dey'U have to 
pay der rent in advance, — we pay de note and have money to 
spare. You, Massa Tom, am de landlord and I'll attend to de 
errands, fix up the rooms, cook breakfust, shine de shoes, 
brush de close, and — receive de fees. You won't have to turn 
you' hand, Massa Tom. 



A CRAZY IDEA. I 5 

Tom. [Rising.'] Daniel Webster While, you're a black 
rascal. 

Dan. [Proudly.] Thank you, sah. I know I is as clever as 
lots of white trash. Den it's understood, sah ? 

Tom. [Crossijig him /t? R.] I didn't say anything^ of the 
kind. 

Dan. We'll only rent dem for one month. ^ Der's nothing 
wrong in dat, sah, 

Tom. Only for one month, eh 1 

Dan. I don't see, Massa Tom, what you can have against it. 
And it will be lots of fun. 

Tom. Well, then, in the devil's name, hang out a card with 
" Furnished Rooms for Rent." Oh, if Aunt Beatrice ever hears 
of this, it'll be all up with me. 

Dan. Now, Massa Tom, dat's a good ideeofyou's. 1 know 
whar to get one oh dem signs, and will hang it up at once. 

[Ex. R. F.] 

Tom. [Alone?^ Now, that's what I call a crazy idea ! But 
after all Dan is right, and taking everything in consideration, 
I don't see that the plan is as dangerous as one would think at 
first. Whether the house is empty or in use matters little to my 
uncle ; besides, I am here to watch over his interests. What 
could really happen to injure him ? [He sits down up stage 
at the desk and writes. Daniel enters R. F.] 

Dan. De sign is up, Massa Tom. 

Tom. But I draw the line at one thing, 1 will have no chil- 
dren — I mean in the house. 

Dan. Dat'il be somewhat troublesome. [He opens the 
doors to the different aparttnents and looks at them.] 

Tom. What are you looking at, Dan ? 

Dan. I's looking at de rooms, sah, to see how much w-e can 
charge for dem. [At door R. 3 E.] Oh, here's a suite 1 

Tom. Yes, and there is also a small hall-room connected 
with them. 

Dan. Dat will be two dollars extra. I wonder whar I can 
find a room for myself, sah 'i 

Tom. There's a very good room next to the kitchen, which 
will suit you. 

Dan. All right, sah ; and you ? 

Tom. [Pointing at door L. 3 E.] That one there will do for 
me. 

Dan. And dis room here ? 

Tom. We'll use it for a general reception and sitting-room. 
[Tom writes at table.] 



l6 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Dan. What's you tryin* to do, sah ? 

Tom. I am writing out a sort of a lease. 

Dan. Indeed ! Might I ask what you hab put down in it ? 

Tom. \Rising a7id coining down stage. ~\ Article ist — Ail 
rents must be paid in advance. 

Dan. Dat's good ! What more, sah ? 

Tom. Well, that's as far as I got. I haven't thought of any- 
thing else as yet. 

Dan. Dat is really de most important point ! In fac' it's all 
dat's nessary ! 

Tom. But now, let us have a look at the different rooms and 
place the furniture at the greatest advantage ! We'll commence 
here ! \^Ex. r. 3 y.. followed by Daniel.] 

£'«/^r Neil Browning R. F. 

Browning. [Alone.] Here I am ! — No one has seen me ! 
Mrs. Stone has made the way clear, as she promised to do. 
She is a kind lady. How my heart beats ! I wonder what she 
will say ! Will my fond expectations be realized, or shall I have 
to leave this house with my dearest hopes crushed to atoms ? 
But where to find her ? 

Dan. [ Without his coat, sticking his head in R. 3 E.J 
Excuse me, sah ! Will be with you in a second ! [Disappears.] 

Brown. Oh, lord ! — A man ! — What can I say to him ? 

Dan. [Entering dressed R. 3 E.] What can I do for you, sah ? 

Brown. I beg your pardon, — but — I believe I am in the 
wrong house. 

Dan. Not at all, sah, — you're just whar you want to be ! — 
will you come and have a look at de rooms, sah ? 

Brown. I would prefer to see your mistress. 

Dan. Ah, we haven't got as far as dat, sah ! Dere's no mis- 
sus here yet. But 1 can show you de rooms. 

Brown. What's that 1 — No mistress here ? But I have often 
seen your master accompanied by a lady ! 

Dan. Yes, sah ! — I know dat ! — But dere's no need to be 
married for all dat ! Won't you let me 

Brown. You mean to say your master is not married ? 

Dan. He's as free as a bird in de air ! 

Brown. I am very much obliged for this information. 
Here's something for you. [Gives him vioney.] Oh, Lord ! 
what would have become of me if you had not opened my eyes. 
[Ex. quickly R. F.j 

Dan. [Business. Calling after him.] But won't you have a 
look at — — [Perplexed.] It seems as if dat fellow ain't quite 
on his trolley. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 1 7 

Tom. [Entering fro7n R. 3 E.] Well, did you let a room ? 

Dan. Not much, sah. 

Tom. Did you jolly him enough ? 

Dan. Excuse me, sah, but dat fellow ran away from here 
just like he was crazy, after talking a lot of stuff about de 
missus of this 'ere house. 

Tom. What's that ? 

Dan. An' after I 'plained to him dat you was'as free as a 
bird in the air, it was all up with him. 

Tom. Oh ! There's no doubt about it. That must have 
been the fellow my uncle spoke about, and you — you blockhead, 
you let him escape. 

Dan. What fellow ? Who was he ? 

Tom. Neil Browning. 

Dan. A friend of you's, sah ? 

Tom. On the contrary. He's a scoundrel whom I would 
enjoy punching to a finish. 

Dan. I'm awfully sorry, sah ! but you ought to have told me 
about him. 

Tom. He may come back again. [Knocking heard at door 

R. F.] 

Dan. Somebody knockin'. Dat may be him. 

Tom. Then we'll give him a jolly reception. [They place 
themselves on each side of the door in fighting attitude. Call- 
ing.^ Come in. 
[Puders entering door r. f. He is very shy and nervous. 

Make entrance backing to audience. Tom and Daniel grab 

him and bring him roughly down stage to C. giving him a few 

blows each.] 

Dan. Now, we've got you. 

Tom. [IVh He striking.] Now, you masher ! 

Dan. [TurningTVLdieYS around and looking him in the face.] 
But dis ain't de same fellow. 

Tom. Oh, hang it all ! [Puders almost collapsed. Step- 
ported in arms of Tom and Daniel.] Oh, really, I beg your 
pardon, — it was all a — misunderstanding. 

Dan. Oh, Lordy ! He's going to faint ! Come to, sah ! 
Wake up, we didn't mean dis for you. 

Puders. [Very feebly.] Please — give me — a — chair. 

Tom ^«^ Dan. [Together.] A chair! at once ! [Both let 
go ^/Puders at same time. He staggers, both jump back and 
catch him. Daniel, reaching, gets chair, placing it under 
Puders, who sits down.] 

Puders* I am very much obliged, 
2 



1 8 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Tom. Once more, let me ask your pardon, sir. 

Puders. Don't mention it, but you gave me such a scare. 
Tlie reception was so unexpected. To tell you the truth, iny 
nerves are very feeble and I am easily agitated. 

Dan. [Halloing.'] Dat's easy to be seen, sah. [FV-ders, 
shrinking, puts fingei's in ears.] 

Tom. Anything else ? Have another chair. 

Puders. No, thanks ; but I would like to have a glares of 
water. 

Dan. [Going to water cooler, L. upper corner stage. Draws 
glass of water. Coining down.] Here you are, sah ! 

Puders. Oh, thank you. [Drinks, dips fingers in glass a7td 
dampens his temples.] Ah ! that's refreshing. I feel better 
already. 

Tom. I'm glad to hear it, sir. 

Puders. [Hands glass to'^^^mi^. Rises — looks at ^omctnd 
Daniel — speaking drj/ly.] Good-morning. 

Tom ^?/^^ Daniel. [Together.] Good-morning, sir ! 

Puders. Have you rooms for rent here ? 

Tom. Very elegant rooms, sir. 

Dan. Magnificent rooms, sah ! [He replaces the chair used 
hy Puders in original location.] 

Puders. I am so glad so hear it, for I shall not be forced to 
look further. You have no idea how room-hunting enervate^; 
me. 

Tom. NVill you take a look at the rooms yourself.'* 

Puders. Kindly allow me to take your arm. My legs are 
still trembling. 

Tom. [Leading him to roojn R. i E. and opening door.] 
How does this one suit you ? 

Dan. Now, dat's a room for your life. 

Puders. I hope this is not a noisy neighborhood. 

Tom. It is very quiet around here. 

Dan. You couldn't find a location to suit you better in a 
churchyard. 

Puders. [Shrinking together again.] I wish you would 
not make such uncomfortable allusions. They make one think 
of dying. What is your charge for this room ? 

Tom. Including breakfast and service, ten dollars per w^eek. 

Dan. Payable in advance as usual, sah ! [Quietly rubbing 
hand back and forth over plush back of chair. Puders shud- 
ders, draws one foot off fioor and makes sigjts of flesh creeping 
as he watches Daniel.] 

Tom. What is the matter now, sir. 



" A CKAZV I OKA. 1 9 

Dan. Is tie price too high, sah ? 

Puders. No, no ! That isn't it. I'll take the room, but for 
heaven's sake stop rubbing your hands over that plush, I can't 
stand it, — it makes me nervous. 

Dan. [Aside.] Oh, I'll have a picnic waiting on this crank ! 

Puders. [Taking money out of his pocket, gives it to Tom. j 
I hope I can take possession at once. 

Tom. Immediatel3% if you wish it. [Pocket sj„ioncy and rubs 
hands together with satisfaction.'] 

Puders. But if you wish me to feel quite comfortable here, 
you will oblige me by not washing your hands in the air, so much, 

Tom. You seem to be easily annoyed. What is the cause 
of this ? Is it your nerves ? 

Puders. I will explain, if it interests you. 

Tom. It will, because I am a medical student. 

Dan. [Aside.] If dey are going to turn dis house into a 
hospital, den dey must get a new boy. [Busies himself dusting 
ami re-arranging fur nitt^re, w///'/^' Puders speaks.] 

Puders. First of all, I must tell you that I have been a vic- 
tim of weak nerves from the day ot my birth. This I inherited 
from my mother. More from sentiment and real inclination 
than from any pecuniary object I became a musician and after- 
wards a professor in a Conservatory. This proved to be my 
finish. Imagine yourself confined in a small and uncomfort- 
able building with about thirty pianos, not counting the violins 
and other instruments and not mentioning the singing classes. 
Music above you, music below you, music to your right and 
music to your left. Beethoven, Mozart. Chopin, Rubenstein, 
Bach, Gluck, Handel, — Sonatas, Studies, Chromatic scales, 
finger exercises for two hands, four hands, eight hands, on 
one piano, on two pianos, on three pianos, with or without 
violin or violincello accompaniments, — a veritable musical 
omelette mixed with holy enthusiasm. Add to this, a dozen 
young ladies to whom I gave lessons in theory and to whom 1 
vainly tried to teach harmony. Furthermore I composed a 
comic opera and had it produced at one of the theatres. Do 
you understand what it means to produce a comic opera ? I 
coached the people myself— had arguments with the manager — 
with the principals — with the chorus — with the orchestra — and to 
crown it all — it was a fiasco. Can you realize what it is to pro- 
duce a fiasco, to be laughed — even hissed at ? Then to read the 
next morning the criticisms in the newspapers with their insuf- 
ferable allusions to lack of talent and charges of plagiarism, 
that cut you to the soul ; and to look at the smiling faces of your 



20 A CRAZY IDEA. 

dear friends with their Judas-Uke words of sympathy. It ruins 
and kills your ambition ! Follow my advice, my friend — if you 
wish to occupy your leisure hours profitably, you will do better 
to steal silver spoons and coin them into " chicken feed " thereby 
gaining more popularity and consideration from the world than 
would ever be given you as a composer and musician ; and for 
Heaven's sake never produce an original comic-opera, for fear 
your fate will be like mine. {^During this speech 'SyiA&x^ works 
himself up until at the climax he sinks exhausted into arm- 
chair at right. 

Tom. [Aside.] Truly an interesting subject. Here's my 
chance for investigation of nervous diseases. 

Puders. I hope I will be able to find some rest here. 

Tom. You could not have found a more suitable place. [A 
k7iock is heard at door R. F. calling.] Come in ! \To Daniel.] 
You attend to this visitor, 

[^;z/^r Julius Button '^^^^^ R. F.] 

Button. {Slightly , dilapidated sport i7i dress. Carries cane 
which he continually swings. Speaks in sharp, quick sen- 
tences. Generally ''fresh. '^ Morning! — Got rooms to rent? 

Dan. At your service, sah ! [Button and Daniel up l. c. 
in conversation^^ 

Tom. \To Puders.] Perhaps I can be successful in effecting 
a cure in your case. 

Puders. I hardly think it possible. Up to the present time 
I have " used up " half a dozen doctors. Have swallowed all 
kinds of mixtures — sweet, bitter, sour, salty, red, green, white, 
blue, yellow, in fact all colors of the rainbow, pills, powders, 
tonics, etcetera, ad infinitum. Have tried alopathy, homeopathy, 
hydropathy, hypnotism, faith cure, and all with the result that 
you see before you — a miserable nervous wreck. [Daniel cind 
Button come down stage L. C] 

Button. The den suits me. I'll take it. 

Dan. [Aside, slightly disgusted.] What! de den ? \Aloud.'\ 
Excuse me sah, for one second. \He approaches Tom.] 

Button. Two if you like. [Goes up stage L.] 

Dan. [Aside to Tom.] I've charged him six dollars. He 
didn't kick at de price and seems too dead easy with his dough. 

Tom. [Aside to Dan'el.] I will close the bargain with him. 
You go and listen to the rest of this one's story. I've had as 
much of it as I can stand. [He joins Button up stage L.] 

Dan. \To Puders.] Where shall I send for your baggage ? 

Puders. I'll tell you. [Converses in pantomime with 
Daniel.] 



A CRAZY IDEA. 21 

Tom. {Introducing himself to Button.] My name, sir, is 
Tom Blane. 

Button. Mine is Button— Julius Button. I suppose you are 

the landlord ? ,, . , ^ 

Tom At your service. My servant tells me you wish to 

rent this room. You will pardon me, but the rent is payable m 

advance as is customary. . „ , » 

Button A beastly custom, but universally prevalent. 

{Searches pockets and sayiftg.] Can you change a $500 

""^Tom Sorry I am unable to oblige you, as I am just out of 
small change, but my servant can get it at the bankjust across 
the street. 

Button No, no ! I don't want to put you to any mconven- 
ience the first flop out of the box. I won't permit it,— it's agamst 
mv principles. There's no hurry. I will give it to you during 
the day. I would like to install myself at once. 

Tom. As you wish. And your baggage— shall my ser- 

'"^Button No. thanks. I will attend to that myseU to-night. 
Well, I won't take up your time any longer, but will retire to 
my boudoir. \Ex. door L. F.] , . , , n • u , 

Tom. Good-morning, sir. [Aside.] Another fly in my web ! 
Business is booming ! .,..., j 

Puders [ ^^ho has deen doing caltsthemcs with arms and 
lezs Daniel imitating him in ludicrous way.] Don't forget 
the " Bromo-Seltzer. [Button heard singing loudly musical 
, scale out of tune.] 
I Tom. What the devil is that? 
Dan. It sounds like a fog-horn. 

Puders. {Stopping ears with fingers.] It will kill me. 1 
can't stand it. If he doesn't stop I'll have a ht [Tom and 
' Daniel run to assist TvAers who is trembling violently.] 
Tom [Aside.] Well, here are two nice specimens. 
Dan* [Aside.] We've landed a pair of queer fish. [Button 
( is heard singing " ^ust tell them that you saw me."] 
i Tom. What is that he is yelling ? 

Dan. " Just tell them that you saw me." t c- *k- 

Puders. /wish I had never seen him. {To Tom.J bir, tms 
^ is not a lodging-house, it is a menagerie ! 

Tom. I almost begin to think so, myself. ^ 

• Puders. If that monster don't stop, I'll jump out the window. 
' and you'li have murder on your conscience. ^ 

Tom. What in the name of the devil would you have me do 



22 A CRAZY IDEA. 

I can't go and gag him ! [Button ends his song with a break 
and begi7is singing " My dad's among the angels"] Daniel ! 
Daniel ! Go and tell him to join his dad I Tell him, it there is 
any charity in his bosom, to stop his Indian war-whooping or 
he will have us all in the lunatic asylum ! [Daniel ^/^?? J to door 
in L, F. and knocks. Button stops siftging and calls.\ Come 
in ! [Daniel ex. through door L. F.] 

Puders. [71? Tom. J Is he going to stop ? 

Tom. I hope so. I sincerely pray that love of humanity was 
installed in him during his youthful Sunday-school days in suffi- 
cient quantity to not have run dry by this time, and that in 
charity he will give us peace for a while. [Daniel comes run- 
ning from Button's room with hand pressed oji stomach.] 
Well, what did he say to you ? 

Dan. [Plaintively,] He kicked me in de stomach. Dat's 
what he said. He's a slugger. He swore like a heathen when 
I gave him your message and answered that he wouldn't allow 
anyone to disturb him in his own room. 

Puders. The outlook here is not Elysian. I am going to 
move. 

Tom. You had better remain, sir. He can't keep this up all 
day long. 

Dan. [At r. of Puders.] You'll find something in every 
house that will annoy you. 

Tom. Wait a moment. I have an idea. My uncle lately 
bought an antiphone. It must be somewhere on his desk. I'll 
give it to you. [Going to desk up stage.] Yes, here it is. 
[Gives it A?Paders.] Now put this in your ears, and you'll not 
hear a sound. Try it. 

Puders. [Putting antiphone to his ears ?\^ Now shout some- 
thing and I'll see if I can hear you. 

Tom. [Calling.] Mr. Puders ! [Still louder.] Mr. Puders ! 1 

Puders. [Smiling contentedly.] Not a sound dol hear. 

Dan. [ With all his might.] Say, you old slobbergast ! 

Pudars. [As before.] That's right. It's a splendid inven- 
tion as you say. I'll stay. [Ex. R. 2 E.] 

Dan. [With comic bow.] Good-bye. Hope you'll bring 
your nerves with you when you come again. 

Tom. [Taking a few steps to left.] I'll thank the Lord' 
when this monthls passed. [Knock heard at door R. F.] Come J 
in ! [Enter Lillian Tussell and her maid. Daniel R. Lil- \ 
lian and maid C. Maid back a little. Tom L.] ( 

Lillian. [Dressed with simple elegance.] Have you apart- 1 
ments for rent here ? 



A CRAZY IDEA. 23 

Tom. Yes, madam. [Aside.] Jeewhilikins, but ain't she a 
corker ! 

Dan. [Aside.] Golly ! but what a top notcher ! 

Lillian. I am looking for a nice apartment with a street 
view, and would also like a small room for my maid. 

Tom. [Opening door L. 2 E.j Will this room suit you ? 

Lillian. [Crossing in fron^ 0/ Tom. Looks J nto room and 
seems agreeably surprised.] It is a splendid room, but I am 
afraid the price will be a little too high for me. 

Tom. [Gallantly.] Including the room for your maid, the 
price will be $5 per week. I hope you won't think that too much. 

Dan. [Aside to Tom. Pulling his sleeve.] Why, Massa 
Tom, what you doin' ? 

Tom. [Aside to Dan.] Shut up 1 

Lillian. I must admit it is very reasonable. I'll take the 
room and move in at once. Here is my card, [Hands Tom 
her card.] 

Tom. I hope that you'll be contented here, madam. 

Lillian. So do I. [To maid.] Anna, see that my baggage 
is moved over. [Ex. maid door R. F. Turning, Lillian boius 
to Tom. J Sir. 

Tom. [Bowing.] Madam. [Ex. Lillian door L. 2 e.] 

Dan. [Aside.] Ifdeykeepon improvin' we'll be trotting in 
de high classes. 

Tom. If she had kicked at the price, she could have had the 
room for fifty cents a month. She looks so aristocratic. She 
must belong to the 400. So graceful and yet so modest. Oh, 
such eyes ! Daniel, did you observe her eyes ? 

Dan. [Dryly.] No, sah, but I did observe that you did not 
ask her for the V spot in advance, 

Tom. But I couldn't ask a lady of her appearance for a paltry 
sum like that ! 

Dan. Dat's all right, but business am business, and if her 
appearance is fine now, what will her disappearance be if she 
leaves you without de dough ; but look at de card, sah ! what's 
her name ? 

Tom. [Reading card.] Lillian Tussell, 

Dan. Seems to me I heerd that name before, 

Tom. Come along ! There are several things to be attended 
to. [Ex. R. 3 E. Daniel singing " My Girl is a high born lady." 
Enter John Davis, Catharina ajid Angusta door r. f.] 

Davis. Well, I hope this will be the last of it. 

Catharina. [Sinking on sofa, l.] John, I am entirely played 
out. 



24 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Davis. My legs won't hold me any longer. It's no one's fault 
but yours. Here we've been trotting around Chicago since halt- 
past eight o'clock this morning looking for rooms. We might 
just as well have gone to an hotel for the couple of weeks we 
will be here. [Si/s in artnchair doivn stage, L.] 

Gath. You know perfectly well how I detest hotel life. They 
only know you there by your number, like contestants in a 
bicycle race. You can only secure decent services by throwing 
fees right and left. Sit down, Augusta. [Augusta sits down 
in arnichai?', R. of so/a.] 

Davis. Yes, that's all good and well if you had only found 
rooms that would suit you ; but at every place we have been 
you have found something to object to. To spend four hours 
climbing up and down stairs in a vain hunt for rooms is what I 
call cruelty to animals. 

Gath. I don't think you have any right to complain, but I 
know where the shoe pinches you. Do you imagine that I 

didn't observe that wherever we went Augusta, I wish you 

wouldn't always prick up your ears so, when your parents are 
talking business. [Augusta rises and examines pictures on 
lualls.] Don't you think that I didn't notice that in every place 
^ve went the beauty of the landlady was of more consequence to 
you than the comfort of the rooms ! 

Davis. But, my dear 

Gath. And to think of the prices they asked ! They are 
simply scandalous. 

Davis. Oh, come, come ! A few' dollars more or less don't 
matter, as our ships are already in port. 

Gath. Yes, thanks to my care over the nickels and dimes. 
Lucky thing for you ! 

Davis. [Sighi7tg,'] Yes, I suppose so. 

Gath. Many times I have been tempted to let you take care 
of the money, that you might see how far it would go with you ; 
but I didn't do it on account of my duty to our child. I didn't 
want her to suffer for her father's frivolity. — Augusta, come 
here; those are no pictures for young girls to look at. 

Augusta. But mamma 

Davis. Can't you leave that girl alone for a minute .? 

Gath. I wish you would not interfere with my way of bring- 
ing up our child. Come here, Augusta. Sit down here and 
behave yourself. [Augusta sits on sofa on right ^/Gatharina, 
pouting.] Is everybody asleep in this house ? Is there no one 
to attend to us ? 

Davis. I'm thankful I can rest myself, and one thing I tell 



A CRAZY IDEA. 25 

you, Catharina, we'll take rooms here. As far as I am con- 
cerned I will not go a step further. 

Cath. Don't get cranky, or I'll put in my oar. — Ah ! some- 
body's coming at last. [A>//^r Puders R. 2 E. All three rise.] 

Puders. [Walking back atid forth in frojit of footlights, 
highly delighted.] It's just splendid. It's a miraculous inven- 
tion — this antiphone. I can hear absolutely ng.hing. It is hav- 
ing an excellent eflfect on my nerves, 

Cath. [To Puders.] Sir, we have come to look at your 
rooms. — He must be hard of hearing. 

Davis. Please show us the apartments. — He seems as deaf 
as a post. 

Cath. and Davis. [Taking positions on either side of 
Puders. At top of voices.'] Please show us your rooms ! 

Paders. [Smilingly looking from one to the other.] Did 
you speak ? 

Davis. [Aside.] That would be the right kind of a husband 
for my wife. He is absolutely stone deal. [Enter Tom ^nd 
Daniel R. 3 e.J 

Tom. Who's doing all this shouting ? 

Dan. Must be more people after rooms. 

Tom. Oh, pardon me, ladies, if you are looking for apart- 
ments, my servant will show them to you. [All three bow.'] 

Dan. This way, ladies, please. [Points to door R. 3 E.] 

Cath. Come on, Mr. Davis. [Ex. Davis, Catharina and 
Daniel R. 3 e.] 

Puders. [To Tom.] Doctor, I cannot express to you how 
much I am in your debt. I feel as if I was new born ; I could 
not feel happier it my ear drum had bursted. [Ex. R. 2 E.] 

Tom. [At. R. q/" Augusta.] How easy it is to please some 
people. [Sees Augusta. — Aside.] Well, well. She's quite a 
good-looking little thing. [Aloud.] Wouldn't you also like to 
look at the rooms ? 

Augusta. No, thank you, sir, my parents choose for 
me. 

Tom. [Aside.'] She seems obedient and well brought up. A 
rare case m these days. I've taken quite a fancy to her. She 
looks like a nice little girl. I'll let those rooms go $5 cheaper. 
[Aloud.] I am sure your parents will be pleased. Twenty 
dollars will not be too much for a superb suite of three rooms. 
Do you like Chicago ? 

Augusta. What I have seen thus far of the city has pleased 
me very much. My head turns with looking at the high build- 
ings and hearing the rumbling of the cars and other vehicles of 



26 A CRAZY IDEA. 

the streets. Everything is so different from Kokomo, where 
every one knows his neighbor, their families, their social stand- 
ing, their financial responsibility, even to their little shortcom- 
ings. 

Tom. [Aside.'] What absolute candor and innocence, and 
what lovely eyes she has. I won't let /ler leave the house if I 
have to give her dad the rooms for nothing. [Aloud.] I know 
the city thoroughly, and if I can be of any service to you as a 
guide, it will give me much pleasure. 

Augusta. I'm sure my parents will be glad to accept your 
kind services. 

Tom. And you, Miss ? 

Augusta. Do you possess so little vanity as to doubt it. 

Tom. [Aside] She's an angel. 

Augnista. It takes my parents a long time. 

Tom. I look upon it as a happy omen. It will be difficult to 
find such apartments for $i8. 

Augnista. I thought I heard you say twenty just now. 

Tom. Did I say so I Then I must have made a mistake. I 
meant to say sixteen. 

Augusta. \ Laughing.] Oh, sir ! [Takes a few steps up 
stage.] 

Tom. [Aside.] She looks still prettier when she laughs. 
[Enter Davis, Catharina ^w^Daniel R. 3 e. Daniel R. corner ; 
Tom to his L.y Augusta up stage c. ; Davis L. c. ; Catharina 
to his L.] 

Gath. What is the price of those rooms ? 

Tom. Fifteen dollars, 

Davis. [Astojiished.] What ! 

Dan. What's dat ! What's dat, sah ! [Disgusted, aside.] 
If he goes on like dat we'll be givin' premium.s to lodgers. 

Davis. [Aside to wife.] Weil, Catharina, I hope this price 
suits you. [Bell heard in Puders' room.] 

Dan. Ah ! de gentleman who's got de nerves. [Ex. 
quickly R. 2 E.j 

Cath. [Crossing Ji2iS\^ to Tom.] We'll take the rooms, sir. 

Davis. [Aside.] Thank the Lord ! We are settled at last. 

Augusta. [Aside.] Oh, that's lovely ! 

Tom. [Aside.] Ah, she stays. 

Cath. On condition that our neighbors are quiet and 
orderly. 

Tom. As far as that is concerned, you could not wish it 
more quiet. [Button's 7foice heard singing •' The heart bowed 
down."} 



A CRAZY IDEA. 27 

Cath. Where does that come from ? 

Tom. From the Bohemian Girl. [Aside.] That wretch will 
yell me into bankruptcy. 

Dan. [Efitt'ring quickly from R. 2 E.J Massa Tom I 
Massa Tom ! 

Tom. What's the trouble ? What do you want ? 

Dan. Come quick ! Come quick ! Your auntie s-fun has 
got stuck in Mr. Puders' ears and he can't git-ic out. He's so 
mad he's just busting- up everything in de room. {Terrible 
noise heard from Puders' room.] 

Tom. They'll be the death of me yet. [Ex. Tom ajid Dan 
quickly R. 2 E.J 

Cath. It doesn't seem so very quiet here. 

Davis. No, but it's cheap. ^Button heard singing ''My 
girl is a Bowery girl,'' luhile \t\\\.i2iXL is heard run7iing Chro- 
matic scale. Noise from Puders' apartment contijiues.] 

Puders. [Rutini fig from room R. 2 Y.. followed by Daniel, 
holding to his coat tail. Tom following. They run around 
stage upsetting furniture, etc.] Help ! Help ! ! They are 
penetrating my brain ! 

Cath. I won't stay here. 

Davis. Let's get out of this. [Davis, Catharina ^«^ Augusta 
run off door ^. F. while Puders, Tom ^^«<^ Daniel keep running 
around sta^e. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 

[After rise of the curtain enter Button L. F. out of breath, 
on a dead run.] 

Button. By the shade of Nancy Hanks, what a chase they 
gave me. I'm entirely out of breath. I had no idea that my 
shoemaker could run as fast as that. He was after me like the 
wind, almost stepping on my heels all the way, but thank heaven 
I managed to give him the slip at last. Should he discover my 
new lodgings he will tip it off to all my creditors and I will 
never have another moment's peace. It's worse than slavery, 
I wouldn't wish my worst enemy such a fate. I must keep to 
the alleys and by-ways, as all the highways arc full of my credi- 
tors. What wonderful memories these people have, and what a 



28 A CRAZY IDEA. 

warm attachment they have formed for me. It is really affect- 
ing. \Enter Daniel door r. f. with tray and breakfast. He 
comes down to R. ^y Button.] Good-morning, Daniel. 

Dan. Good-morning, Mr. Button. 

Button. Daniel, my friend, if during the next few days any 
one should call for me, say that I am out, as I want to be quiet 
and see no one. Mind, now, there is no exception to be made, 
in favor of any one. Pay attention to this, and if you let anybody 
in I'll cut both your ears off. {^Ex. door L. F.| i 

Daniel. \Frightened.^^ Dat would really be too kind of you, ' 
Mr. Button, Button, w^ho's got de button. He's a bad man. 
I'll have to look out tor him. S^Bell heard ringing loudly in 
room R, 2 E,] Coming ! Coming ! Oh, don't be in such a big 
hurry ! [Ex. Daniel R. 2 E. Enter Tom L. 3 E. with a7t open 
book i?i his hajid which he throws furiously into corner.'] 

Tom. It's enough to make one tear his hair out by the roots. 
Try as I may I cannot keep my mind for five minutes at a time 
on my books. It is all the fault of that little bundle of sweet- 
ness, Augusta. That little devil with her mischievous eyes. 
How truly interesting she can be when it pleases her to come 
out of her shell or thaw a little, and I'm very much afraid I've 
gone too far in the matter. It was foolish of me not to have 
kept in proper bounds. But who could have expected her to 
take it all seriously ! Or that she would mistake a harmless 
flirtation as a reality. I must be more careful and restrained, 
or heaven knows where it will all end. It has gone too far 
now, and the little witch is so serious. But how the devil can I 
help it ! I can't marry her when I am as good as engaged to 
my cousin Eva. I'll try and place the matter before her in a 
sensible light and convince her that a marriage between us is 
out of the question. [Enter Daniel R. 2 e.] 

Daniel. Massa Tom, one thing I want to say, dat if anything 
happens to dat man in dere [pointing to Puder's room\, you'll 
be to blame for it, sure. 

Tom. I ? 

Dan. Since you been doctoring around him and giving him 
all your drug-store physic, I wouldn't give you a counterfeit 
nickel for his life. 

Tom. If there is anything the matter with him I'll go and 
pay him another visit. 

Dan. For goodness' sake if you want to see him get better, 
don't ! You won't leave him alone, dough, until his poor body is 
under de black sod. 

Tom. How are the other lodgers getting along ? 



/v \^ts.^/.\ lur^/v. 



^9 



Dan. Oh, fai» to middling. It's me dat ain't getting along 
at all. Dey won't give me a minute's peace, and as far as tips 
I are concerned there ain't one in the whole lot of 'em, especially 
'. dat iMr. Button in dere. He's a queer one, and I bet you'll 
\ have to run after him for your rent. 
{ Tom. No fear. He'll pay up all right. 

( Dan. Maybe you'll see him do it, if you only live long enough. 
\Another loud ring heard i?i Puders' room R. 2 E.J Dere, he's 
\ at it again. He won't give me time to catch my breath. Oh, 
[ Massa Tom, I paid old man Cohen that note yorf tole me to, and 
I you should jest have seen " Uncle David's " face. 
\ Tom. [Laughing.] Yes, I can just imagine him. 

Dan. And another thing. I nearly forgot all about it. - Miss 
Gussie just now give me a note fer you. Here it is. [Ha?tds 
7iote which Tom opens and reads.] What she writing to you 
about, Massa Tom ? 

Tom. Impertinent dog ! 

Dan. Is dat what's in that letter, Massa Tom .? 
Tom. Get out of here or I'll break every bone in your black 
carcass. 

Dan. AH right, all right, sah. I'm not a bit curious, but I 
think you ought to let your Secretary ob State know something 
about you's foreign politics. [Ex. R. 2 E.] 

Tom. [Readijig.] " My dear Tom, — My parents are going 
out for the day. I have pretended to have a severe headache, 
so that we may enjoy a nice little chat. I have so much to tell 
you. With love and kisses — Your Augusta." [Spoken.] My 
Augusta ! There, we've got it ! What did I say ? Here we 
are ! [Enter Davis, R. 3 E. calling back into room.] 

Davis. AH right, Catharina, I'm going. [To Tom.] Ah ! 
good-morning, Doctor. Have you any objection to my smok- 
ing in here .-* 

Tom. Not at all, Mr. Davis. Just go ahead. 
Davis. You see my wife can't stand smoke and objects to 
my using the weed in our rooms, and as I am out of sorts all 
day if I don't get my morning cigar, I take it outside. We are 
all slaves to some habit, and mine is tobacco. 

Tom. How did you enjoy our little outing yesterday 1 
Davis. Splendidly. I must compliment you on your arrange- 
ments. It IS astonishing how well you get along with my wife. 
She was almost amiable yesterday. 
Tom. Isn't she always so ? 

Davis. [Hesitatingly.] Yes — yes — but she has a wonderful 
talent of hiding it, and you can hardly imagine how suspicious 



30 A CRAZV IDEA. 

she is. Since we have been in Chicago she has never allowed 
me out of her sight for five minutes. 

Cath. \Stickijig her head out of door R. 3 E.] John, are | 
you there r 

Davis. Yes, dearest. Do you want anything ? J 

Cath. No. It's all right. {^Disappears.'] \ 

Davis. You see ? she's just like a jumping-jack. [Tom j 
laughs lojidly and crosses to R.] You can laugh. — Laugh on. ^ 
Do you think it's a laughing matter to be under constant sur- 
veillance like this ? No matter where I am or what I am doing * 
she is sure to be around rubber-necking. \ 

Tom. Perhaps you have given Mrs. Davis cause for distrust, j 

Davis. {Somewhat flattered.] Well — I must admit that 
from early youth I have been an adorer ol the gentler sex, and, 
without egotism, I can say my attentions were not unfavorably 
received — if you'll permit me to say it. In Kokomo, you know, 
I have had little chance to enjoy myself, and I had hoped that 
I would find in Chicago green fields and pastures new in which 
I might browse just a little. 

Tom. {Laughing.] Oh, oh ! Papa Davis — keep off the grass ! 

Davis. Ah, well. Where there is no danger there can be 
no enjoyment. {Enter Daniel R. 2 E.j 

Dan. {To Tom.] Now, he's asking for Garfield tea. He 
keeps me going all de time. \Ex. door R. F.] 

Tom. Be careful and don't get caught. 

Davis. I used to be known as " Handsome John " in our 
town and I must keep up my reputation, you know. 

Tom. {Laughing.] Certainly, you ought to. [Anna enters 
door R. F., crosses stage, and ex. L. 2 F..] 

Davis. Who is that handsome girl ? 

Tom. She is maid to Miss Lillian Tussell, another one of 
my lodgers. 

Davis. You dont say so. I had no idea we had such pretty 
neighbors. [Daniel comes rii?iJiing on from R, p. and stops 
between Tom and Davis.] 

Dan. Massa Tom ! Massa Tom ! 

Tom. What's it now ? 

Dan. Oh, Lordy, Lordy ! Bijou has run away. 

Davis. [ With quick interest.] What ! Another young 
lady living here ? 

Dan. [Disgusted.] No. It's a dog. [To Tom.] You'd ( 
better run after her. I've got to make de tea fer Mr. Puders. 

Tom. Botheration ! Is that cur going to run away every 
day ? It occurs too often to suit me. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 31 

Dan. Hurry up, Massa Tom, or de clog catcher will have 
her. She's not got her collar on. 

Tom. That dog will be my ruination. [Tom and Daniel 
ex. quickly door R. F. Enter Lillian /-''<?/« door L. 2 E.] 

Lillian. {Talking off. \ Now fix up the room and 1 will wait 
here until you get through. 

Davis. yAside.^ Ah ! my neighbor. I'll be darned it she 
I ain't a beauty. \Goes up stage 'watching'l£{\M^2^-Q..\ 
\ Lillian. | Coming down stage — musingly. \ To-day is tlie 
third. Really, I don't know what I will do until next salary day. 
My dressmaker refuses to let me have my new costumes until [ 
have settled my old account. I don't know what to do. I can't 
appear in the new piece without my costumes. It's no use ask- 
ing Manager Penderson for an advance, as he hasn't got it. 

Davis. \Up stage, aside.] I wonder if she'd leel offended 
if I addressed her. [Looks timidly to door R. 3 E.] No matter, 
I'll risk it. Catharina is still busy trying to make herself look 
handsome, and that's a contract job, a long time finishing. 

i Arranges his toilet before cheval-glass, R., and approaches 
lillian shyly.] Madam, as one of your fellow lodgers allow 
me to introduce myself. My name is Davis — John Davis. 

Lillian. [Politely but distantly.] I am happy to make your 
acquaintance. 

Davis. I am a retired banker and am in Chicago for a few 
weeks on a pleasure trip. 

Lillian. [Aside.] A retired banker ! Ah ! he's my game. 
[Suddenly changing her demeanor arid becoming 7>ery 
friendly.] I cannot tell you how pleased I am to find I have 
such agreeable fellow lodgers. 

Davis. [Aside.] I have made an impression. [Remains 
R. C. after looking timidly to door R. 3 E. ; Lillian l. c] Are 
you also visiting here ? * 

Lillian. I am not so fortunate. I am going to play an 
engagement here. 

Davis. An engagement ? 

Lillian. Yes. As prima donna at the Theatre. 

Davis. [Aside.] An opera singer, eh ! Just what I was 
looking for. [Aloud.] lam so glad to hear it. I am a musical 
enthusiast. 

Lillian. [Seating herself on sofa.] Won't you sit down "i 
[hidicating seat beside her.] Here. It is so formal and cold 
to talk to one at such a distance. You surely are not afraid of 
me. 

Davis. \Smiling but still watching door.] Oh, certainly 



32 A CRAZY IDEA. 

not, but I prefer to remain standing, as my doctor has ordered 
me to take exercise. And may I ask in what role you are to 
appear ? 

Lillian. As Prince Ramiro in the new burlesque " Cupid's ; 
Court." j 

Davis. " Cupid's Court ? " Ramiro? I am sure you'll make I 
a sensation. 

Lillian. [Playfully. \ Now, if you'll be a real good boy, 
I'll let you see me in my new costume before the opening. 1 

Davis. [Enthusiastically.'] Would you really let me ? 

Lillian. Vou see, I must tr>' my costume on before the open- 
ing night, and I am sure you are a man of taste, and I would 
like to have you pass an opinion on it. I have no one to help 
me in these matters as I am entirely alone in the world. 

Davis. [Affectionately.] Ah, do not say so. What man 
would not consider it a pleasure and an honor to be your friend. 

Lillian. There are so few people whom one can trust 
nowadays. We poor actresses must forever guard against ap- 
pearances and be careful of our personal conduct. 

Davis. But — my dear madam, there are men who are 
honestly interested in — in — art. For instance, will you put me 
to the test ? 

Lillian. But, Mr. Davis, you have not known me long 
enough. 

Davis. Tell me what I can do for you, I am ready for any- 
thing. Speak and let me know. 

Lillian. How kind and good you are ! Really it seems I 
might trust you, [She stretches out her hand. He seizes and 
kisses it. Drops it and quickly retires back toward door 
R. 3 E,] To prove to you that I have confidence in you, I will 
let you see me in all my Prince Ramiro costumes. 

Davis. When shall 1 enjoy that pleasure ? 

Lillian. That depends on my dressmaker. I still owe her a 
small sum of money and will have to pay her before she will de- 
liver my costumes. You see that I no longer have any secrets 
from you. 

Davis. Permit me to ask if you are financially embarrassed ? 

Lillian. Only temporarily, that I cannot deny. 

Davis. Oh, madam, if you don't consider it too presump- 
tuous — if I might dare to 

Lillian. What ! You really would ? 

Davis. I would consider it a favor. 

Lillian. Well, then, I will show you I utterly confide in you. 
I will get the bill. [Rises and ex. L, 2 E,] 



A CRAZY IDEA. 33 

Davis. [PVi/A satisfaction.] Ah! the plot thickens. My 
dearest wish is about to be gratified. To be the friend of a 
real actress ! But how cunningly I have worked. " Handsome 
John " has not lost his grip yet. Ha ! ha ! ha ! {Rubs hands. 
Enter Catharina R. 3 e.] 

Cath. You seem to be enjoying yourself, John. 

Davis. [Aside.] Oh, hang it all ! the old woman. 

Cath. [Looking around.] What makes you laugh so 't 

Davis. Laugh .? Did I laugh ? Strange ! I didn't hear 

Cath. I want to speak to you. 

Davis. [Frightened.] Hadn't we better go into our room ? 
Cath. No. I don't want Augusta to hear what we are talk- 
' ing about. 

Davis. [Aside. — Timidly looking at door L. 2 E.J Oh, 
Lord ! If she should come back now ! 

Cath. Besides, she is complaining of a headache, and we had 
better leave her at home to-day. 

Davis. [Walking It p and down nervously.] How in thun- 
der can I get her out of this room ? 

Cath. What is the matter with you ? Can't you stay quiet 
for a moment ? 

Davis. Don't you feel a draught in here ? 
Cath. I certainly do not. 

Davis. There is nothing so dangerous as a draught. You 
can catch your death of cold with one. Y'ou had better go and 
get dressed. You can tell me all about it as we walk. Let us 
go now. 

Cath. As you please. But I must tell you one thing, John, 
this unusual anxiety for my welfare seems suspicious. 
Davis. Catharina ! You do me wrong. 
Cath. I'll be back in a minute. [Ex. R. 3 e.] 
Davis. [Mopping his forehead.] Phew! That was a job! 
[Goes quickly to door l.. 2 E. — listens. Knocks. EjiterJjiWizxi,] 
JLillian. Here's the bill. I had mislaid it and it took me 
same time to find it. 
/Davis. [Ajtxiously.] Give it to me ! 
iLillian. [Coquettishly.] What ! so brusque ? 
iDavis. Pardon me, but I am in a hurry. 
, /Lillian. [Teasingly holding bill towards him and pulling it 
' bkck when he tries to grab it.] You wish to get rid of me ! 

j Davis. No, certainly not. I — I — I — ah — really Please 

let me have it ! 
, (Lillian. La ! La ! La : \'D2im.'&:;u?nps at bill several times, 
3 






34 A CRAZY IDEA. 

finally 'catching it.'] Ah, you bad man ! \_She runs to door L. ' 
2 E.] Au revoir ! {^Ex. L. 2. E.] 

Davis. lAlone.] Thank heaven, she's gone ! She made me. 
quite nervous ; but this is real sport and just suits me. \^Opens\ 
bill and reads.] " To balance due three hundred and twenty! 
dollars " [Surprised.] Three hundred and twenty dollars ! 
[Sin/^s in chair down stage R.] But, that's a fortune, and I'vfi 
only two hundred dollars with me ! How can I raise this sv; 
I must have it, for I don't wish to appear ridiculous in her 
I've got myself into a nice fix ! There is only one thing I ca^ 
do, and that is to apply to my wite ; but what lie can I tell hci 
Whenever she suspects anything she turns into a drag( 
[Enter Catharina R. 3 e, comes down to left of Davis witll 
Da'V'is' hat and cane.] ^, 

Cath. Here, John ! 'j 

Davis. Ves, my angel. 

Cath. Come on, I'm ready. 

Davi?. All right, dearest ! [Aside.] Now, how the devil 
can I get that money out ot her. [Remains seated and re- 
flecting.] 

Cath. [Goes to door R. 3 E. and talks off.] Good-bye, 
Gussie ! [Reflecting.] I think I'd better lock her in. You can ^ 
never be too careful of young girls. [Locks door softly and put s\ 
key in her pocket.] Now, my mind will be more at ease.l 
\Looks at Davis, ivho is still seated, meditating.] Come, John ! ' 

Davis. [Not hearijig her — aside.] Oh, for an idea ! Some^ 
thing to get me out of this ! T 

Cath. [Loudly and sternly.] John ! [Dai'is jumps 
frightened.] 

Davis. Yes, my darling ! [Catharina puts hat on 
with a jerk — shoves ca?ie into his hand and pushes him 
door in F. ahead of her, passing at door Tom and Daniel 'V//^ 
ing — all bow — Tom and Daniel come down stage — Danel '^^'^i 
cup of tea in his hand.] 

Tom. In the future be more careful of that dog ! It is ii| 
possible for me to spend half the day and night chasing attj 
him. 

Dan. I've locked him up. [Ex. into room R. 2 E.] 

Tom. The old folks are gone. Now to talk sense to the U 
Augusta without wounding her feelings. She is really a char. 

ing girl and I am very fond of her, but [Knock heard 

door R. 3 e. Tom goes to it and repeats the knock.] It's 
Gussie. Come out ! The coast is clear. > 

Augusta. [Off stage.] I can't I They've locked me in. " 



4 



! 



A CRAZY IDEA. 35 

Tom. Oh, the devil ! How can we have our chat ? Wait a 
moment, perhaps one of the other keys will fit. [T^/:es biuich 
of keys from pocket and tries them.] No. Not oTie of them 
'will do. 

Dan. [Enters R. 2 E. disgusted.'] Now, he wants a porous 
' nlaster. If he keeps dis up he'll have me in de lunatic asylum. 
\ Tom. Dan ! Have you a key that will fit the lock to this 
door ? 

.," Dan. Aha! Burglary in the seventh degree. [Takes bunch 
i^/" keys from pocket.] Try dese, sah ! But let me git away 
i)efore you do it. I don't want to be hauled up as a particepius 
' triminicius. [Ex. door R. F. — Tom tries keys and opens door 
with one of them. Enter AugV-Sta throwing herself into 
Tom's arms.] 

AllgfTlsta. Once more alone with you ! How I have longed 
for this moment ! But we must be careful that no one sees us. 
My mamma suspects something or she would not have locked me 
I in. It would be just like her to come back to see if the door 
' was locked. I know what we will do !. You stay there near 
that door [pointing to door R. F.J, so that you will hear any 
one coming and I will remain here near our door [itidicatiiig 
door R. 3 E.] so that I can disappear at the first sign of danger. 

Tom. But, my dear 

Augusta. Oh, come — come ! It is the only way. [They 
take positions as indicated.] 

A.ugusta. Now isn't that a clever idea ? We can see each 

getier — we can talk to each other, and if you are real good — do 

f uu hear [leaning over towards Tom] — we can shake hands. 

^ Tom. [Aside.] She is charming ! [Leans forward to take 

y.er hand. At this moment enter Button door L. F. singing 

J ' Comrade — your hand^ We understand ! " Tom and i^^%X2^ 

disappear quickly in respective doors without having been 

'"een by Button.] 

[^ Button. [Putting hand on stomach.] Nature asserts her- 

^If! My stomach rebels at its long neglect. lam forced to 

soisit a restaurant — but one where I am not known — and where 

' ly creditors are likewise unknown. [Ex. door R. F. passing 

?om CIS he re-enters. They talk in pantomime, and separate, 

at same time AugUSta opens her door and they resume their 

former positions.] 

Augusta. That was a lucky escape. 

Tom. [Looking after Button.] It's strange, but Mr. Button 
never has anything but large bills when I ask him for his rent. 
Augusta. Oh, Tom ! I hate to think how shor^ our stay in 



36 A CRAZY IDEA. 

. I 

Chicago will be. I cannot tell you how much I have learnd 
to love you. The next clay after our arrival it seemed to nl 
as if I had known you for years. You were so kind, so consi< 
erate, and so quick to gratify our little wants, and so blind 1 
my parents' peculiarities, that I could see at a glance how tri 
and noble you were ! 

Tom. My dear, you think better of me than I deserve. 

Aigusta. Don't be so modest, sir ! Tell me, do you real] 
love me ? 

Tom. How can you ask ? 

Augusta. With all your heart ? 

Tom. [ReproachftiUy.'] Augusta ! Can you doubt it .'* 

Augusta. How happy that makes me ! Do you know wh; 
I'm afraid of? I know mamma wants me to get married — ^^ 
found that out. But this time she'll discover that she has mac 
a mistake. Till now, I have observed all her wishes and bee 
obedient in all things, but when my heart is at stake, I am 
v.'oman, and feel and act as such. She may try to separate u 
but I am your own forever. \She throws herself ifito his arin 
During the preceditig speech fiuo knocks have been heard i 
door R. F. but Tom cind Augusta do not hear them.'\ 

Tom. \^Aside:\ Oh, angel ot mercy, have pity on me ! 

Hill. {Entering door, R. F.] I beg your pardon ! [To] 
<7;Z(^ Augusta breakaway. AugUSta ru7ining into roofn, R. 3 E 

Tom. [Angrily.] Sir ? How dare you enter here withoi 
knocking ? 

Hill. Pardon me once more. I knocked, but of course yc 
didn't hear me, and I don't blame you. Furthermore, don't li 
my presence interrupt you. I have only come to ask ifacertai 
Mr. Button lives here ? 

Tom. [Pointi7ig to door, L, F,] YeS; In that room. 

Hill. Can I see him for a moment ? 

Tom. No, he's just gone out. 

Hill. Yes. He's always just gone out when you want hin 
It's most peculiar, 

Tom. [Opening door, L. f. ] If you don't believe me, you ca 
see for yourself. 

Hill. Thank you, sir, but I'll take your word for it, I wi 
intrude no longer. [Winks.] I know from experience how 
is. Your servant, sir ! [Ex. door R, F.] 

Tom. What impertinence ! [Going to door R, 3 E. and cal 
ing.] He's gone, Augusta ! 

Augusta. [Enters R. 3 E, confused, dotuncast eyes.] Did- 
he — did — he see me embrace you ? 



A CRAZY IDEA. 37 

Tom. I don't think he did — what's more, where 's the harm ? 
A.n idea strikes me ! {Pointing to door L. F.] No one is in 
ij :here. We can chat very quietly. The windows open out on 
\ the street and we can see who is entering the house. {He leads 
j Augusta to the door h. F. — she' enters — he stops.^ I wish to 
I leaven I could find some way of explaining to her that I cannot 
I ntirry her. [Ex. in door L. F. As he does, enter Davis through 
\ [oor R. F.J 

I Davis. [Coming down stage on tiptoe.'] I've given my wife 

I i ^e slip ; my excuse will be that I have lost her in the crowd. 

,'here is but one way out of this for me— I must pawn her 

j .namond necklace. She wears it so seldom that before she 

j •.lisses it I will have time to send to Kokomo and get money to 

[ .edeem it. I hope Augusta won't see me. [Goes to door o?i tip- 

1 toe and listens.] I believe she is asleep. [Enters door R. 3 E. 

[ Stage vacant a moment. Bell heard from room R. 2 E. Davis 

[re-enters from door R, 3 E.j Here it is 1 I wonder what has 

I become of Augusta ? She must have gone for a walk. I had 

better lock the door, as I'll be back in a minute. [Locks door. 

Loud and continuous bell-ringing heard ift Puders' room..] 

How imprudent to haveleft the door unlocked. Some one might 

have entered and stolen the diamonds and left me without 

collateral to raise the ante, [Ex. door R, F. — Tom ^«^ Augusta 

re-enter door L. F. and come down stage, Augusta to left of 

Tom.] 

Tom. Who's ringing like a lunatic ? [Calling.] Daniel ! 
Daniel ! ! Oh, yes, I remember ! He went after that porous 
plaster. I'll have to answ^er the bell myself. Excuse me a 
moment, Gussie. I'll be back in a moment, 

Augusta. I'll wait for you in our room. [Ex. Tom R. 2 E. 
Augusta goes to door R, 3 E. and tries to open door.] Locked ! 
Oh, heavens I If mamma should come ! What shall I do ! No 
Dne must see me here ! Where can I hide myself? I cannot 
''emain here ! [She runs to door L. F. enters, closing door be- 
hind her. Enter Hill and Constable door R. F, Constable to 
left ^/Hill.] 

Hill. This way, officer ! The fellow is living here ! Seize 
what you can find belonging to him ! [Daniel enters quickly 
door R. F. and goes to leftoj Constable.] 
Dan. What can I do for you, gentlemen } 
Hill. We are here to take on attachment the goods and be- 
'ongings of one Mr. Button, 

Dan. Oh, indeedy ! Anyone can say dat, but he'll have to 
)ay his rent first. 



5id- 



38 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Hill. I have nothing to do with his rent. I have a prior '^edj 
claim and here is the order ofCourt. T^^ej 

[E7iter Tom R. 2. E.] fci 

Tom. What's the meaning of all this fuss ? * 

Dan. Dese 'ere men say dey got an attachment fer Mr. 
Button. 

Tom. If they have we cannot stop them, Daniel. 

Dan. Is dat so, Massa Tom ? Den how about our rent ? 
[^Takes position in front of door L. F. 

Tom. You can't get blood out of a stone. 

Cath. {Entering door R. F. comes doivn to right of ^QVd.] 
Have you seen my husband, Mr. Blane ? Do you know it he 
has returned yet ? 

Tom. I haven't seen him, Mrs. Davis. 

Cath. He'll find it a busy moment when we meet ! The idea ! 
To give me the slip in the thickest of the crowd on State^St^&^l- 
The next time I take him out I'll put him on a string. I'm that 
mad I'm choking ! 

Hill. \_To Daniel.] Don't you dare interfere with an officer 
of the law. [Hill and Constable approach door L. F. while 
Daniel bars their way.'] 

Dan, You'll only enter over my dead — I might even say — 
my defunct carcass. 

Tom. {Shoving Daniel aiuay.'\ Don't make a fool of your- 
self, Daniel. These gentlemen have the law on their side. {He 
opens door, looks in, and, seeing Augusta, quickly closes the 
same, placing hi7nself in position just occupied by Daniel, 
sayi7ig as he does so in an aside.'] The devil ! Augusta ! 

Hill. {Astonished.-] Well ? 

Dan. [Aside.] I wonder what Massa Tom saw in dat 
room ? 

Constable. Are you making fun of us, sir ? 

Hill. Why do you prevent us from entering, sir ? 

Tom. {Hesitatingly.] Because — because — the room has not 
been made up yet. 

Dan. {Astonished.] What's dat ? 

Cath. How considerate he always is ! 

Hill. That doesn't matter in the least. 

Constable. We are used to that. 

Tom. How much is your bill ? 

Hill. Sixteen dollars and seventy-five cents. 

Tom. I believe I have that much with me. {Takes purse 
from pocket, selects fnoney and pays Hill.] 

Pan« [Aside.] He's gone clean crazy ! To pay other 



A CRAZY IDEA. 39 

people's debts ! It's scandalous. [JLiW^^oes to desk and, receipt- 
Uig bill, hands it to Tom.] 

Hill. Here is a receipt, sir, and I am very much obliged to 
you. 

Tom. Now, please leave us. 

Constable. Excuse me, but there are the court costs to be 
paid yet. They are thirty-eight dollars and twenty cents. 

Tom. I haven't another penny in the house. 

ConstablB. \Taking step to door, L. F.] Then you'll excuse 
me, but I must 

Cath. {Rising?^ Stop! You shan't do it. [She pays him.\ 
Here is your money. 

Tom. Really, madam, I cannot allow \Aside.'\ Oh, 

if she but knew ! [Ex. Hill and Constable door r. f., bowing.] 

Dan. [Looking after them, — half aside A^ If you want more 
easy money — call again ! 

Cath. [Approaches Tom and shakes his hand.] That was 
a noble deed of yours. [Tom and Catharina cojning down 
stage.] 

Tom. You flatter me. One should have his lodgers' in- 
terests at heart. [Loud ringing heard in Puders' room.] 

Dan. [Up stage, R.] Oh, lordy, lordy ! I'd clean forgot his 
porous plaster, [Ex. quickly door R. 2 E.] 

Cath. \To Tom. J Do you know I would like to have a look 
at that poor fellow's room. 

Tom. [Frightened.] What ! Do you want to 

Cath. Really, I think it must be quite interesting. 

Tom. You must pardon me, Mrs. Davis, but I could not 
allow it under any consideration. 

Cath. Ah ! I understand it all now. It is very noble in you 
to try to shield Mr. Button. 
■ Tom. But really you do not suppose that 

Cath. You certainly can let me see the lady. She has cost 
me thirty-eight dollars and twenty cents, and perhaps I may 
know her. 

Tom. But, madam 

Cath. It's a woman's privilege to be curious. If you won't 
let me see her in there — then I will remain here until she comes 
out. [Crosses stage and down to armchair, L. Turns it 
back to audience, seats herself facing door L. F.J 

Tom. [Aside.] Oh, Lord ! She's making herself easy ! I 
must find some way to get rid of her. 

Cath. [Aside.] I'll see who'll get the best of this. 

Tom. [Aside.] She is trying to freeze me out. Just wait ! 



40 A CRAZY IDEA. 

[Takes newspaper and seats himself in chair in front of door 

L. F.] 

Cath. \Aside^^ What ! He's going to read ! He only 
does it to annoy me, but I'll show him that it will do him no 
good. yShe contmejices to hum a song. Tom begins to whistle. 
Augusta heard knocking at door Lt f.] 

Tom. [Aside.] Augusta is growing impatient. That's the 
straw that will break the camel's back. 

Button. [Coming quickly through door R. F.] If she has 
recognized me I'm lost. 

Tom. [Aside ^^ Oh, hang it all ! He'll want to get in his 
room. 

Cath. [Overjoyed.] Ah 1 Here's our gentleman. Now, 
we'll see ! 

Button. [Going to his room.] Will you please excuse me ? 

Tom. [Rising.] Pardon me, Mr. Button, but you cannot 
enter. 

Button. Here, I want no nonsense ! I must get into my 
room. Some one is following me and I do not wish to be found. 

Tom. [Aside to Button.] I appeal to you as a gentleman. 
There is a lady in your room who does not wish to be seen. 

Button. [Aside to Tom.] I'm willing to oblige you, but 
what's to become of me ? 

Tom. [Aside to Button.] Go to my room. 

jButton. [Aside to Tom.] I don't mind, but don't give me 
away. 

Tom. [As before.] You can trust me. [Ex. Button L. 3 e.] 

Cath. [Astonished — aside.] They must be freemasons and 
help each other out of their troubles. 

Tom. [Aside.] Saved ! 
[E?tter Mrs. Miller door r. f. Mrs. Miller R., Tom c, Cath- 
2irm2i seated.] 

Mrs. Miller. [Very resolute woman — dressed quietly — 
slightly out of breath.] Good-day, all. Does Mr. Button live 
here ? 

Tom. No, madam ! 

Cath. Yes, madam ! 

Mrs, M. I saw him come into this house. 

Tom. [Aside.] It's getting warm. 

Cath. [Aside.] We are two to one now. [Rises. Mrs. 
Miller crosses to c, Tom /^ r.] 

Mrs. M. My name is Mrs. Miller — I am a widow. I live 
Number West Madison Sireet and let out rooms. 

Tom. That's none of my business, 



A CRAZY IDEA. 4I 

Mrs. M. I know it ain't. I only tell you to explain what 
brought me here. Mr. Button rented one of my rooms some 
time ago. He made me think him so nice, tha* I was blind 
when 1 saw him makmg love to my daughter, Eliza. I didn't 
say a word, nor make any objection. Well, as things go, soon 
they were keeping company, and I thought they were going to 
get married. He looked such a gentleman and I thought Eliza 
had made a catch. She made him boxes for his handkerchiefs, 
embroidered slippers for him ; he took supper with us every 
night, and now owes me four months' rent. One fine day he 
disappeared and nobody in the neighborhood knew what became 
of him. Eliza, my poor girl, is at home crying her very eyes 
out, until it would melt a stone. But I patted her on the back 
and said, 'Liza, be quiet — I'll go after him and find him, and 
he'll marry you if I have to drag him to the church by the hair 
ot his head. 

Tom. [Aside.] I won't kick at the eighteen seventy-five I 
paid for him when she gets hold of him. 

Cath. I can quite appreciate your feelings in the matter, 
Mrs. Miller. [Aside to Mrs. Miller.] Suppose he had fallen 
in love with another. I may be mistaken, but I thought I saw 
a lady enter Mr. Button's room a little while ago. Perhaps it 
is she who has robbed your daughter of his love. 

Mrs. M. If that's the case, I won't move from this spot. " 

Davis. [Entering qttickly door R. F.J Oh ! It's all fixed 
now. [Sees wife.] Oh, Lord I the old woman ! [Turns and 
about to ex.] 

Cath. John ! where are you going ! [Ex. Davis hurriedly, 
followed by Catharina calling " John ! John ! I "j 

Tom. [Aside.] Hooray ! The siege is raised. [Enter 
BvLtton from door l. 3.] 

Button. [Aside.] I have heard all. I think it best to plead 
guilty and throw myself on the mercy of the court. 

Mrs. M. [Seeing Button,] Ah ! there's the villain ! 

Button. [Outstretched arms.] Mother-in-law — at last we 
meet again ! 

Mrs. M. What ? 

But on. You are ahead of me this time. I was coming to 
see you to-day. My fond heart could stand the separation from 
dear Eliza no longer, 

Mrs. M. Indeed ! For fourteen days you have been away 
and poor Eliza has got the mumps. 

Button. Poor darling ! I will explain my absence when 
we get home. Let us go to Eliza. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 
'\r..U. WaUa— . W.o . the .ady . your roo, 

Tom. [Aside.] /I^^^Vt rlnn't believe you. ^™ 

S-M^'^Oh-. lunclersund. Co.e on, JuHus, ,E..,.U^ 
'-^:rt^;>f:Gu^siI:^ Qui* to your roo- ' [J; W«. 
«„/«. Davis ««^ Catharina^^ ^ ^^ uo h 

Catlianna. \foinnn^ | 

T^m'l cannot and will no^ deny >U ^^^^^ ^^^^^^^ 

Davis. [^rf/«"-'n£'0"'«'^''--l ^"^^ ^ 
her old Dad ! „,hamed to so brazenly acknowledge 

a sin? ^ ., , ..^ ^roud ot my daughter! M 

"« [r. Augusta.1 GO ^ J- --„- ,:-;<; ri 

guided child 1 I don ' know vvliat J ,.y 



A CRAZY IDEA. 43 

Cath. [To Tom.] As for you, sir, I'll talk to you later. 
[To Davis.] As for you, sir, don't 'think I have forgotten the 
little account I have to settle with you. [Ex. R. 3 E<* 

Da /is. [Going lo Tom and slapping him on shoulder. \ 
^here's a woman for you ! Now you can understand how I 
■nust feel sometimes. 

i Lillian. [Sticking her head from door L. 2 E.] Mr. Davis ! 
t.'ve got my costume. Would you like to see it ? 

Da /is. Of course I would ! 
Enter \i\\\Xi from L. 2 E. dressed as Prince Ramiro. Davis 
. rushes forward as Catharlna enters from R. 3 E. Davis 
1 reaching table L. down sfage.^ 

\ Cath, [Amiably.] I say, John [Davis quickly seizes 

'loth from table, holds it up in both hands completely screen- 
ing Li H2in/ro?n view ^/Catharina.j 
I Davis. 1 say, mother. Is this wool or cotton ? 
) 

' QUICK CURTAIN. 



I ACT III. 

Tom. [Discovered walking up and down, agitated.'] So 
r am engaged ! Good and fast ! Promised to Eva and engaged 

) Augusta ! After that little episode day before yesterday her 

.other came to me and said : " Doctor, Augusta has confessed 
a verything. You love each other and it cannot be helped, so 
t ike her and be happy," Augusta is in the seventh heaven of 

elight, and I must admit that I am growing fonder of her daily, 
a ly future parents-in-law are most amiable, and yet I can't enjoy 

yself to the full when I think of my uncle and Eva. How will 
is t all end ? Mamma Davis insists on making our bethrothal 
5 Dublic. Thus far I have been able to postpone visiting their 

elatives, but my stock of excuses will soon be exhausted. 
u: Davis. [Entering R. 3 E. whistling a merry tune. \ Ah! 
// ommy, my boy, how are you ? Has the postman been around 

; t? 
n: (Tom. No. But he may come any moment. What's the 
,•( itter with you this morning ? You seem to be very happy. 

Davis. I have good reasons. [Confidentially ?\^ I have been 
, iivited to a champagne lunch by our neighbor. Miss Tussell. 
Tom. [Laughing.] Yes ! yes ! but if I hadn't come to your 



44 A CRAZY IDEA. 



rescue the other morning when she was giving her dres| 
rehearsal, where would you have been? So the fair LiUia 
gives a champagne lunch, eh ? 

Davis. She does. That is, she gives it and I pay for it. 

Tom. Oh ! That's different. And where does the feast 
take place ? 

Davis. Here ! 

Tom. [Astojiished.] Here ? 

Davis. Oh ! I see that astonishes you. As a further evidence 
of her appreciation of a slight favor I did her, she is going to 
sing her opening song in the new burlesque. It will only be a 
little harmless fun. 

Tom. Has mother been invited also ? 

Davis. I've taken good care that she won't disturb us. I 
have written her an anonymous letter, disguising my hand- 
writing, telling her I had an engagement at Lincoln Park, near 
the old well, and with a lady. 

Tom. It's a very clever idea. 

Davis. While she will be walking up and down in front of 
the old well like a caged tigress, waiting to catch me, I will be 
quietly sitting here sipping wme and enjoying myself with the 
charming Miss Tussell. 

Tom. A most ingenious arrangement. 

Davis. [Flattered.'] I thought you would think so ; but be 
careful — don't give me away ! 

Tom. Never fear, 1 have troubfes of my own. 

Davis. I wonder why that postman don't come ! [Catherina 
enters R. 3 E. dressed in very handsome walking-gown, etc.] 
Well ! Well ! My dear, what does all this finery mean ? 

Cath. Will you ever learn anything about your own family ? 
Don't you know that we are to visit our relations to-day and in- 
troduce Tom as our son-in-law elect ? 

Tom. [Groaning — aside.] Oh, Lord ! 

Davis. [Startled.] What ? 

Cath. Augusta is still at her toilet. And you, Tom, why 
are you not dressed yet ? 

Tom. I thought the weather might 

Cath. It could not be pleasanter. The day is an ideal one. 

Tom. [Aside.] I am sorry to say it couldn't. Oh, what 
wouldn't I give for a small sized cyclone or a cloudburst ! 

Cath. Be kind enough to hurry. 

Tom. [Going off ; aside.] I shall have to plead a sudden 
attack of cholera-morbus or something. [Ex. L. 3 E.J 

Cath. Jack, dear ! Who is Prince Ramiro ? 



j A CRAZY IDEA. 4$ 

I Davis. Wha — what ! Why do you ask ? 
^f Cath. All during the night you were talking in your sleep 
j of " Prince Ramiro." Who is he ? 

J Davis. {^Relieved — aside.] How she scared me ! Thank 
heaven she knows nothing ! \^Alo%id?\ I haven't the slightest 
idea, I am sure, my dear. [Forced laugh.] What funny things 
dreams are ! [Aside.] It's a most uncomfortable habit I have 
of talking in my sleep — it will get me in a bad box some day. 

Cath. You will surely accompany us, won't you ? 

Davis. Certainly ! Certainly ! [Aside.] Oh, why don't 
that postman come ? 

Dan. [Enter i7ig door R, F., coming down between Davis and 
Catherina.] Here's the mail. Paper fer you, sah ! And a 
letter fer you, miss ! [Ex. door R. F.] 

Cath. A letter for me and postmarked Chicago ! W^ho can 
it be from ? 

Davis. [Opening paper ; pretetids to read / watching 
Catherina.] It's all right ! She's got the letter. 

Cath. What horrible catspaws ! 

Davis. [Aside.] I should think so ! It gave me trouble 
enough. 

Cath. [Reading.] " Dear madam : — I take it to be my 
duty to warn you. Your husband is false to you," Ah ! 

Davis. [ IVitk satisfaction j aside.] She nibbles at the bait. 

Cath. [Continues reading?] '«If you wish for proof of this, 
be near the old well in Lincoln Park between 12 and 2 o'clock 
to-day, where you will see your husband meet a lady. From a 
friend." [Drops hand holding the letter.] 

Davis. [Aside.] She has swallowed bait, hook and line. 

Cath. [Aside.] Ah ! indeed ! So he is capable of betray- 
ing me after our happy union of twenty years ! But I'll make 
him suffer for this ! I will catch him red-handed ! I'll have 
to be careful to prevent him thinking I know anything of his 
duplicity. 

Davis. \Laying newspaper on the table.] I hope you re- 
ceived no unpleasant news, dear ? 

Cath. [Trying to cotitrol her anger.] Oh, no. On the con- 
trary. 

Davis. From whom is the letter ? 

Cath. From a friend. Only an invitation to lunch. 

Davis. I hope you'll enjoy yourself. 

Cath. Thanks. [Aside.] You Janus-faced hypocrite. 

Davis. [Aside.] How well she hides her feelings ! She 
has missed her vocation. She should have been an actress. 



46 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Tom. [Ejiferi?ig door L. 3 E., dressed ift frock coat, etc.\ 
am ready ! 

Cath. My dear Tom, it will be impossible for us to pay oui 
visits to-day. To-morrow will do as well. , 

Tom. Yes, or the day after to-morrow. j 

Cath. I have just received an invitation to lunch and I must 
accept it. > I 

Davis. [Aside.] Aha ! [A/oud.] If that's the case I will 
take advantage of this chance to visit my old friend Watson, I] 
whom I have not seen as yet. He'll be glad to see me. Shall[ 
I give him your regards ? j 

Cath. Y'es. If you wish. [Aside.'] The villain ! I could' 
almost murder him in cold blood. 

Davis. Well, good-bye. I'll see you later. [Ex. door R. F. 
hii mining a tiitie.] 

Cath. Tom, I think you had better take Augusta and pay a 
visit to her cousins, the Johnsons. I will call for you after lunch. 

Tom. I should prefer to remain here. 

Cath. You two here alone without a chaperone ! It would 
not be right. [Calling off.\ Augusta, bring my umbrella ! 

Augusta. [Entering from door, R. 3 E., dressed for the street 
a?td carrying umbrella ivhich she haiids to Catharina.] I am 
all ready to go, mamma. [Turning around to Tom.] Does my 
appearance suit my future lord and master ? 

Tom. [Enthusias tically .] You are adorable ! 

Augusta. Where's papa ? 

Cath. [Snappishly.] He's gone to see his dear friend, 
Watson. 

Tom. Mrs. Davis, what do you want with an umbrella this 
fine weather. 

Cath. [Lifting umbrella threateningly.] You can never tell. 
A storm may come up at any moment, and then it will be use- 
ful. [Enter Daniel, l. 3 e.] 

Tom. [To Daniel.] Dan, I am going out. Take good 
care of the house. [Ex. Tom, Catharina «;z^ Augusta, door 

R. F.] 

Dan. [Calling after Tom.] Don't worry. Everything is 
safe. [Coming down stage.] I never git a chance to go out — ■ 
might just as well be in jail. Wonder what dat crazy music man 
is doing ? [Tiptoes to door, v.. 2 Y.., peeps through keyhole.] 
My goodness ! He's walking up and clown de room and swing- 
ing his arms just like dat. [Imitates Puders beatifig time.] 
Well, it's lucky he's got something to do, besides ringing his bell 
all de time. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 47 

[En/er Puders, R. 2 e. does not see Daniel, who watches his 

lavements throughout with ope7i-cyed wonder. Puders ab- 
^lltractedly walks up atid down stage, beating time — ocmsionally 

uniming snatches of a tune. Sits down and gets upfront 
i ifferent places in the room. Runs hand through hair — rubs 
\<^^;is chin atid generally shows in pantomime that he is trying 
1 compose a piece of music, but without success.^ 
\ Dan. [Aside.'] He's composing again. It seems harder 
fian sawing wood. [Aloud.] Well, professor, I see you're at 
p again. 

I Puders. [Impatiently waving hand for Daniel to keep quiet. J 
„iih~h-h! 
j Dan. I beg pardon, sah .-* 
pi Puders. [Same business.] Sh — h — h ! 

! Dan. Excuse me, sah, but 

alt Puders. [Impatiently.] Can't you let me have a moment's 
eace, when you see I am busy ? Can't you see how I am 
/orrying ? This time I must compose something great and 
[oble, that will live for all time, and show to the world that the 
Lidgments placed on my first efforts were unjust. I can only 
\:ompose when I feel myself in the humor. I must have perfect 
juiet around me. 

■ Dan. Why don't you wait till Sunday, when all de folks are 
it church. Den )'ou'll find it quiet enough. 

Puders. All great masters have their own peculiarities, 
lichard Wagner could only compose when wearing his satin 
.moking jacket. 

Dan. If I was in your place, Mr. Puders, I'd try a sweater. 

Puders. When Schiller was at work he drank black coffee, 
md had a rotten apple on his desk. 

Dan. Haven't you got any left from your last opera 1 

Puders. I have tried all these and many other charms, but 
:hey don't help me any. It's enough to make me lose my 
senses. 

Dan. When I'm half loaded I'm chuck full of wit. 

Puders. [lookijig at him in astonishment.] Not a bad 
idea. I have never tried it. Here, Daniel, here is ten dollars. 
Bring me two bottles of wine. 

Dan. Dis is like finding de money. I'll just get dat wine 
from our own cellar. \Ex. door R. F.] 

Puders. Now that I remember, Rossini composed his 
sweetest music when tipsy, and so it may be with me. 

Davis. [Enters door R. F. with bouquet iji hand.] My plan 
has succeeded and the coast is clear. [Sees Puders.] Now, 



il 



48 A CRAZY IDEA. 

what's he doing- here ? I hope he is not going to remai 
[Etiter Daniel 'with two bottles of chainpagne ; puts the77i t 
table, R. starts to open one.] I say, Daniel, come here 
moment. 

Dan. Mr. Puders, here's your wine. \^Goes to Davis an 
they talk aside. \ 

Davis. I am expecting a lunch from the restaurant over th 
way. When it comes bring it in here. It is for Miss Tusse 

Dan. [Half aloud to Davis.] For dis morning, sah 1 

Davis. Do you think it was for yesterday. 

Dan. But Miss Tussell is not at home. She had to go t 
rehearsal. 

Davis. What ! 

Puders. Well ! Well ! Are you going to wait on me 

i Daniel opejts bottle a?id serves glass to Puders, who drijikt 
)aniel ex. door r. f.] 

Davis. [Furiously.] Is he going to make himself at hom 
here all day long ? [Re-enter Daniel with elaborate lunch.] 

Dan. Here is your lunch, sah. [Places lunch on table I 
above sofa.] 

Davis. Here's a confounded situation. What am I to dc 
Daniel 7 

Dan. Why don't you go to de theatre and get her away 
sah? 

Davis. That's a good idea. I'll try it. [Aside.] It wouli 
be too bad in me to send my wife all the way to Lincoln Par 
and both of us be disappointed. [Ex. quickly door R. F., Danie 
following.] 

Puders, [ Who is drinking wine rapidly.] That was a goo( 
idea of Daniel's. 1 have not felt any inspiration yet, but perhap 
the second bottle will produce the effect. 

Dan. [Re-entering witJi telegram.] Here's a telegram fo 
Massa Tom. Wonder who it is from ? [Places telegram Oi 
table L. below sofa.] 

Puders. [Still drinking.] I begin to feel quite jolly. Thi 
wine is having a nice effect. Have some, Daniel ! [Hand 
glass J Daniel ^/^^^^ second bottle and helps himself liberally 

Daniel. Very good symptoms, sah ! [Puders humjnim 
quite Jolly.] You see, now, dere's new music for you. 

Tom. [Enters door R. F. astonished to see Puders.] Wha 
is going on here ? 

Dan. [With glass in hand.] We are composing, Mass; 
Tom. 

Tom. Yes, I see you are getting along harmoniously. Mi^ 



A CRAZY IDEA. 49 

gusta has lost her bracelet. Help me look for it. Dan. 

ley look around room.] . . t u •* i 

hikers. Ah ! [J^tses sudde7ily.-\ I have it ! I hav^ it ! 

)an. Don't let go ! Hold fast ! 

>uders. In A flat-twelve-eighth time-Staccato movement, 

egro Com Brio ! I'll put that down at once. \_Ex. door^. 

. s inging *' I want a situation."] 

)ail. You are not the only one. r^... v .,vi i 

rom. [Seeittg telegram on table L. and picking it up.] 

lat's this ? 

3an. A telegram for you. 

Com. Why didn't you tell me before ? 

Dan.* Because you didn't ask. , , . , • . 

rom. {Opening telegram; reads it; drops m chair down 

'.ze L.l Ten thousand furies. , . . , ^ 

Dan What's de matter, sah ? [Picks up the telegram and 

ids \ " My husband has gone 'to Boston on busmess. Am 

^ing home with Eva. Important news.- Beatrice. Who 

it from, Massa Tom ? 

rom. From my aunt, Mrs. Stone. 

Dan Here's a pretty howdy-do. 

Tom*. [Rising ; firmly.] We must get rid of all our lodgers 

Dan!* But we can't throw dem out of the house, sir. without 

Tom^'"" We've got to do it— but how ? That's the q^iestion ! 

ian Yes indeed— dat's de question, [They both walk the 

wr nervously. Enter Pnders from door R . 2. E., pours out 

iQther glass of wine and drinks.] 

Puders. Daniel, I think I am a little full '• ^ ^ 

^^ [Crossing Daniel to Puders.] Ah ! Professor, I am 

ad to meet you. Please lend me your ear. 

Puders. How much do you want me to lend you ? 

Tom. Only your ear. I want you to do me a great favor 

Puders. I wish you wouldn't bother me to-day. I m feeling 

o eood.* Have a glass of wine ? 

Tom Mr Puders, this is of the utmost importance. Circum- 
ances over which I have no control compel me to request you 
> give up your room. 

Puders. [Laughing?^ What'sthatyousay? 

Tom And what is more— at once. 

Puders. [Still laughing.] Are you joking ? 

Tom I am most serious, sir, 

Puders, Oh. get along with you. You want me to give up 

4 



50 A CRAZY IDEA. 

my room to-day. It's a good joke ; but excuse me, I'll go an 
lay down — I'm so sleepy. \Ex. door R. 2. E., sifiging an u^ 
to-date song.] 

Tom. [Crossing Daniel and goings.] It's impossible to d< 
anything with that fellow. [Enter '^Mtion from L. F, door. 
Tom in c. ; Button l. c. , Daniel R. c.j 

Button. Doctor ! 

Tom. Well, Mr. Button ? I 

Button. [Slightly confused.] Doctor, I have made up m 
mind to turn over a new leaf. 

Dan. Den it will be a good job. 

Button. My future mother-in-law has fitted me up inasmal 
cigar store, but, to keep iier eyes on me, wishes me to take ; 
room in her house. 

Tom. And you wish to move, sir .^ 

Button. I do, and the sooner the better ; but I took the roon 
for a month and am still in your debt. 

Tom. [Interrupting.'] Don't mention it. If you wish t( 
move at once, you can do so. Daniel, give Mr. Button a hand 
I am only too glad to be of some service to you. 

Button. You are really too kind. Doctor. 

Tom. Go ahead, sir. Don't let me keep you. 

Button. Then I can only wish you good-day, sir. 

Dan. Come on, Massa Button, I'll lend you a helping hand 01 
your w^ay. [Ex. Button eind Daniel door L. F.] 

Tom. [Taking a few steps to R.] I've got rid of one o 
them, but what will I do with the others ? I can't throw m; 
future parents-in-law in the street. 

Lillian. [Ejiters door 'R. f. and comes down to L. ofTova. 
She is dressed in handsome street costume.] Ah, Doctor, 
haven't seen you tor quite a while. 

Tom. I hope I see you well. [Aside.] She still owes me th( 
rent, so I stand a good chance with her. [Aloud.] Pardon me 
Miss Tussell, but I have a confession to make to you. 

Lillian. [Cogue ttishly.] Ah ! A confession ? 

Tom. [Confused.] That is to say — I only wish — to speal 
to you — on business — as your landlord. 

Lillian. Oh, yes, indeed. I have forgotten to settle m] 
rent. I will send my maid to you with the amount immediately 
[She is about to exit in door L. 2. E.] 

Tom. [Frightened.] No, no, no ! I don't want it. 

Lillian. What do you mean, sir ? 

Tom. [Pointing to sofa.] Oblige me by taking a seat her< 
and oblige me with one moment's conversation. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 5 I 

Lillian. On one condition. 

Tom. And that is ? 

Lillian. That you will allow me to have some lunch in the 

ean time. I've just come from rehearsal and am almost 

arved. It could not have been better, — here's the lunch ordered 

J Mr. Davis — poor tellow. He must have been angry, because 

kept him waiting so long, but I could not help it. \^She begins 

serve herself.'] Will you join me ? 

Tom. Please excuse me. Miss Tussell. 

Lillian. Don't stand on ceremony. We can talk better 

hile eating. It's much more comfortable. 

Tom. It is in fact, but — — 

Lillian. Now, don't hesitate. Is it such a serious matter ? 
am really getting interested. 

Tom. I have a favor to ask of you — a great favor. [Takes 
^th her hands.'] My peace of mind — my life's happiness 

ipend upon it. I beg of you to grant it, or 

i«/^r Augusta door v.. f. sees Tom ^«^ Lillian and overhears 

last words. She puts hand over her heart, staggers and 

cries outbroke^ily, " Tom ! " — falls into chair, ^oxa jumps to 

her, crying, " Gussie ! " Lillian quietly begins eating lunch.] 

Lillian. Aha ! A little domestic drama. 

Tom. [Aside.] How unfortunate ! [Aloud.] Gussie ! 
ussie ! my dear. Listen ! Speak ! 

Augusta. [Sobbing.\ So this was the way you were look- 
,g for my bracelet. Oh, Tom ! and I trusted you so. 

Lillian. [Conti7iuing lunch.] I really feel sorry for the 
3or child. 

1 Tom. Gussie, you are under a misapprehension. Believe 
le, I am innocent. 

Lillian. Yes, all men are. [Laughing.] 

Tom. [To Lillian.] Miss Tussell, why do you not assist me 
) clear up this misunderstanding ? 

Lillian. But how am I to do it ? 

Tom. Simply tell her that she is mistaken. That it was not 
ly intention to make love to you — that I don't think you hand- 
)me, and I don't care a rap for you. 

Lillian. [Piqued.] Do you know, sir, you are not very 
olite ? 

Augusta. [Rising. To Tam.] Do you deny what I have 
sen with my own eyes — what I have heard with my own 
ars ? 

Lillian. [Aside.] Serves him right. 

Augusta. I loved you with all my heart and had built on 



52 A CRAZY IDEA. 

your affection and constancy the happiness of my life. I see I 
have been mistaken and shall try to forget. 

Tom. But, Gussie, let me explain ; at least allow me to justify ^ 
myself. 

Augusta. Yes, I don't think you will lack for excuses. 
[To Lillian.] I hope you will pardon my intrusion, madani 
[Goes to door R. 3 E. turtis, looks at ^omffom head to footX\ 
I wish you a good appetite for your lunch. [Ex. in door.] 

Tom. [Sarcastic'al/j>.] Thanks! [7<? Lillian.] Miss Tus- 
sell_I 

Lillian. Please don't mix me up in this. Leave me out of 
the question. 

Tom. You shall listen to me 

Lillian. 1 wish you good-morning, Doctor. [Ex. quickly^ 
L. 2 E.] 

Tom. There is only one thing left for me to do. I've got to 
sneak. [Runs to door, r. f., which he opens,] Oh, Lord ! here 
comes my future mother-in-law. I'll get out of the way. 

Cath. [Entering door, R. F., evidently overheated and tired 
out.] I've found out nothing ! No trace of John and his lady, 
though I watched like a lynx ! And all in the broiling sun ! Is 
it possible I may have been fooled ? If I could but get at the 
truth ? 

Aug^ista. [Entering from door, R. 3 E.] Ah ! you've come 
back, mother. I was just going to look for you. 

Cath. You here, and alone ? Where is your fianc6 ? 

Augusta. [Trying to repress her tears.] I do not know. 

Cath. You do not know ? Child, something is wrong ! 
What has happened ? Come, tell n-.e all ! 

Augusta. [Tryi7ig to speak; bursts into sobs; throws her^ 
self on tnothers neck.] Oh, mother, I am so unhappy ! 

Cath. For heaven's sake, Augusta, what is the matter? 
Won't you contide in your mother ? Is it possible that Tom - 

Augusta. No, no, mamma. Do not reproach him ! We arc 
separated forever. j 

Cath. Indeed! Not if I know it. I guess I'll have some- 
thing to say. Do you imagine that sons-in-law can be had now- 
adays for the asking ? One of you is to blame, and no matter 
which one it is — he shall be made to carry out his promise to 
you. 

Augusta. No, mother, I will never set eyes on him again. •- 

Cath. Nonsense ! You'll get used to these little spats. \ 

Augusta. Do you wish me to quietly submit to seeing tht 
man I have given my heart to, prove himself untrue to me ? 



A CRAZY IDEA. 



53 



Cath. What ! Has Tom dared 

Augusta. He left me at my cousin's to go to look for a 
racelet which I had losf. On my return here I found him 
mching alone with a lady — he was holding her hand and mak- 
ig love to her. 

Cath. What ! He does this even before your marriage ? 

Augusta. So you can easily understand, mamma, that all must 
e at an end between us. [Ex. quickly door R. 3 E.] 

Cath. {Taking a few steps to R.] And this is what they 
all domestic bliss ! 

Davis. [Entering door R. F. out of breath. Sees his wife. 
Iside.] Back so soon ! [Aloud in a friendly tone.] Re- 
;arned already, my dear ? 

i Cath. John, come here. I want to talk to you. 
[ Davis. [Aside.] There's a storm brewing. 
. Cath. Look at this ! [Shows him letter.] 

Davis. It's a letter. [Aside.] It's mine ! 
, Cath. Yes, and a very interesting one too. 

Davis. Indeed ! 

Cath. Read for yourself 
, Davis. All right, if you wish it. [Takes letter and reads it 
fithout showi7ig etnotioti.] 

, Cath. [ Watching him —aside.] He does not move a muscle ! 
le is innocent ! [Aloud.] Well, what do you think of it ? 

Davis. [Shrugging his shoulders.] I wish you had gone 
here, then at least you could have convinced yourself that the 
;alousy with which you make my life a misery, is groundless, 
am sorry you didn't go. 

Cath. [Somewhat ashamed.] John, I did go. 

Davis. You did, eh ? Then you have more faith in an 
nonymous letter than in your husband. Really, Catharina, I 
jel sorry for you. 

Cath. \Te7iderly ?^ Pardon me, John ! 

Davis. [Stertily.] No ! 

Cath. I see my error and shall never doubt you again. I 
lave been cured. 

Davis. Then, I'll forgive you. 

Cath. But one thing we must do. We must not rest until 
ve have found out who the scoundrel is that wrote this letter. 

Davis. [Frightened.] Nonsense ! Leave him alone. 

Cath. The best thing we can do is to notify the police and I 
vager they will catch the guilty party in less than a week. 

Davis. I think it would be much better not to stir up any 
ftud. 



54 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Gath. You forget how I had to walk about in the blazing sii 
for two hours. If I could only think of someone whom nl 
absence would have served ! [Suddetily.] Ah ! I know wh| 
did it ! J 

Davis. Do you really ? \\ 

Cath. It was Tom ! f j 

Davis. [Asto7iished.'] Who ? Why should he doit ? 

Cath. It's quite simple. He wished to be alone to-da; 
You must know that Augusta found him in here tete-a-tete \ 
luncheon with a lady. \' 

Davis. [Aside.] That must have been my lunch. [Aloud 
Why it's scandalous ! 

Cath. It's monstrous ! 

Tom. [Eiiters from door L. 2 E.] My parents-in-law 
[Aloud.\ Back so soon ? 

Cath. [Dryly.] Yes, we are back. [Aside to Davis 
Now give him a good piece of your mind. 

Davis. [Aside.] What can I say ? He knows that I wroi 
that letter. 

Cath. [Pushing him forward.] Go ahead ! 

Davis. [/« a friejidly tone.] My dear boy 

Cath. [Aside to Davis.] Not that way ! Be stern ! 

Davis. [Aside.] If I insult him he'll give me dead awa; 
[Aloud to Tom,] You have not acted right, sir ! 

Cath. [Aside to Davis.] If you can't talk to him I'll ha\ 
to do it myself. 

Davis. Your conduct has been somewhat [Trying 

find a word.] 

Cath. [Prompting him.] Scandalous ! 

Davis. [Hesitatittg, and in a tone completely contrastit, 
with the word.] Scandalous. 

Tom. [Aside.] Augusta must have told them all. 

Cath. Are you not ashamed of yourself, sir ? 

Davis. [Gently.] How could you take lunch with her ? 

Tom. I haven't taken lunch with anyone. Such luxuri< 
I leave to other people. 

Cath, [Crossing to C] What! You dare to deny it ? D 
not Augusta see you herself? 

Tom. My meeting with that lady was purely accidental. 

Cath. [Sarcastically.] Indeed ! And do you also der 
having written this letter ? 

Tom. What letter? 

Davis. [Aside,] That's the end of me ! 

Cath. You seem to forget that this man [pointing to Davi 




A CRAZY IDEA. 55 

SI vhose honor and morals you have insulted, might take revenge 
ri|m you. 

Hji Tom. [Aside,] What the dickens is she talking about ? 
Cath. {Ha7tding Tom letter.] There! take your infamous 
landivvork. 
\ Davis. [Aside.] It's all up, now ! 

Tom. [Looking over letter — throws quick glance at Davis. 
Aside.] Ah ! an idea ! I'll have him in my power ! 
Cath. Now, do you deny that it is your work ? 
Tom. [Quickly.] I admit that I wrote the letter. 
Cath. [Triumphantly to Davis ivho is asto7iished.] Now, 
ivhat do you say to my perspicacity ? 

Davis. It's wonderful ! So he wrote that letter, eh ? 
\\: Cath. He confessed it himself. 

1 Davis. [Rushing over to Tom — aside.] You're a brick ! 
5'^ Cath. [At same time imagines Davis is going to strikeTom ; 
rries.] No violence, John ! 
Tom. [Aside to Davis.] Act as if you were angry. 
Davis. So, sir ! You are the worthless writer ot this letter. 
|)hame on you — Shame ! 

i Tom. [Aside to Davis.] Lay it on thicker, 
j Cath. [Aside to Davis.] That's better — give it to him ! 
i; Davis. [Gradually working himself into a cojnical passion.] 
lis there nothing sacred to you, sir ! Neither my past blameless 
ijife nor my marital happiness ? Thank heaven my wife knows 
[ am true to her and am above your vile slanders. Is it not so, 
/^^atharina ? 
I Cath. Indeed, I do, my darling. 

Tom. [Aside.] You, just wait, you old hypocrite ! 
. Cath* Tom ! Tom! How could you act so thoughtlessly 
:owards Augusta, whose love for you is so incomprehensible in 
■ts greatness and gentleness. 

Tom. My dear madam, I will not deny that I wrote that 
letter in order that I could have an opportunity to speak to this 
lady alone. You must admit that I am candid. 

Davis. [Aside.] He lies like a gravestone. What a splendid 
husband he'll make ! 

Tom. Why I wished to have a tete-a-tete with her is not my 
secret ; but time v/ill explain all. 

Davis. [Aside.] I hope to Heaven it won't. 
Cath. If this is true I will try and arrange it between you 
and Augusta ; but first you must beg my husband's pardon. 

Tom. [Astonished.] His pardon ! For what ? [Suddenly. \ 
Oh, yes, of course. 

Cath. [Aside to Davis.] Don't be too hard on him, father. 



^ 



56 A CRAZY IDEA. 

Davis. {Dramatic ally .'\ I can never forgive him, he h 
injured me too deeply. 

Cath. Oh, come — come ! don't be so unforgiving. \She no^ 
to both in a friendly way. Ex. R. 3 E.j 

Davis. {Calling after her.'] Don't leave me alone with hin 
I can't answer for the consequences. {Looks after her until sh 
is out of sight, turns, runs to Tom and embraces him.'\ Capita 
my boy, capital ! I shall not forget it soon ! Ask me for ani 
thing you want ! My gratitude has no limit. 

Tom. {Dryly.] That's just what I counted on. 

Davis. {Somewhat subdued.] Indeed I Well, what do 
want ? 

Tom. I've got you out of a hole and now you must help mi 
You will have to leave this house, with your family, to-day. 

Davis. Leave this house ? 

Tom. And you must make Miss Tussell leave as well. 

Davis. Are you mad ? Why must I do this ? 

Tom. This house really belongs to my uncle. 

Davis. The devil ! 

Tom. During his absence and without his knowledge, I l 
these rooms, and I have just received word that his family ai 
unexpectedly returning. 

Davis. That's a nice fix, but how can I possibly do vvh; 
you want ? 

Tom. That's your business ! 

Davis. Thanks ! But suppose I don't succeed ? 

Tom. You seem to be clever enough in concocting schemt 
for your own benefit — now try your ingenuity for mine. E 
your best, or else-^ — {Shows letter.] 

Davis. Sin has its own punishment and I am getting min 
The ways of the righteous are thorny ones ! 
{Enter Catharina and Augusta from door r. 3 e. Augusta i 

travelling-dress. Davis R-, Catharina and Augusta c 

Tom L.] 

Cath. Augusta, you should not be so stubborn. 

Augusta. You may say what you like, mother, but ir 
mind is lully made up. And you, Tom, are really not to blam^ 

Tom. Your mother must have told you so, Augusta. 

Augusta. She has, but I shall not feel comfortable until 
am sure we are rid of so dangerous a neighbor. [Tom aji 
Davis exchange glances.] She must leave the house. Pap 
must try to influence her to go elsewhere and we shall go k 
the time being to the nearest hotel. 

Tom. I commence to breathe asrain. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 5/ 

Augusta. While papa talks to her, Tom and I can go and 
cure rooms at the hotel. 

Tom. With pleasure. [Ex. Tom and AugVLSta arm ht arm 
tor in R. F.] 

Cith. As there seems to be no other way out of it, try and 
ive this creature leave as soon as possible. 
Dxvis. If I only knew how to broach the subject to her I 
Cath. {Suddenly.'] I know how to get rid of her ! You 
ust pretend to make love to her. 
Davis. I wouldn't know how to do it. 
Cath. Act as if you were in love with her. 
Davis. I don't know how ! 

Cath. For goodness' sake, don't pretend to be so helpless, 
know you. While you are with her, I'll enter and make a 
ene ; then you can beg her for the sake of your domestic 
;ace to leave this house as soon as possible. She is probably 
her room. So, go ahead. I'll go into our room and watch 
Uil the time comes to interfere. [Ex. R. 3 E.] 
Davis. This is a nice situation. Oh, sublime Impudence, 
ime to my aid ! [Goes to door L. 2 E. Knocks. Lillian 
iters. Catharina seen at door r. 3 e. watching.] 
Lillian. Is it you, Mr. Davis ? 

Davis. \^^^y ^^^^^ cojifused.] Ah — ah — yes — miss — I am 
one in the house — and — I thought — I might permit myself the 
)erty — to ask you — if you would like a little chat t You can 
jat better — when there's two present — than when you're 
one. 

Lillian. [Laughing.] Yes, it is tiresome to chat with one's 
If. There is no chance for a discussion. You always are of 
e same opinion. [Sits on sofa L.] 

Cath. [Aside.] How clumsy he is ! It is easy to see he has 
id but little experience. 

Davis. [Crossing 'L\]\\2iri and taking chair down stage h. 
side.] I hope she won't mention anything about lunch or the 
•essmaker's bill. [Lillian back to door R. 3 e. Davis sees 
ifes head popping in aiid out.] 

Lillian. What is the matter ? You seem to have the blues, 
ave you quarrelled with your wife ? 
Cath. [From door.] The impertinent minx I 
Davis. We never quarrel ! We are like Joan and Darby ! 
Lillian. Is she never jealous of you ? 
Davis. Not a bit. 

Lillian. Do you never give her cause to be, or does she 
ever see anything to make her so ? 



58 A CRAZV IDEA. 

Davis. No, she never sees. Beg pardon — I never give h« 
occasion to be jealous. 

Lillian. Indeed ! What would she say if she should fin 
us together now ? 

Cath. Stupid ! 

Davis. My wife is an angel. She is the personification, < 
goodness. Her equal cannot be found. '^ \ 

Lillian. Your conversation is not very interesting to-da] 
Mr. Davis. 

Cath. I could hug him for saying that. [IVaves he 
li a 71 dkerch ief a t Davis . J 

Davis. \ Aside. \ Catharina is getting impatient. S^Alou^ 
Notwithstanding, I must say, that yoit are really charming*- 
perfectly adorable. 

Cath. Very good ! \By sights eiicourages Davis to keep up 

Lillian. He's beginning to thaw out. 

Davis. From our first meeting you made such an impressio 
on me that I dream of you. 
•Lillian. You flatterer ! 

Davis. [Taking her hands and looking at her.] What nic 
little fat hands you have. 

Hicks. [A typical country fnan. Enters door, R. F.J Gooc 
day ! My name is Samuel Hicks ! 

Davis. [Rising.'] Glad to see you. 

Cath. He was just going it nicely. 

Lillian. [Annoyed — aside.] The interfering fool ! 

Hicks. Is my old friend, Jim Stone, at home ? 

Davis. [Shortly.] No ! 

Hicks. I'm powerful sorry to hear it, 

Davis. So am I. 

Hicks. I stayed an extra day in town, just to pay him a visi 

Davis. I wish the old idiot would go ! 

Hicks. I think I'd better call again. [Aside.] Somethin 
seems to be wrong, here. Excuse my intruding. [Ex. doo) 
R. F.] 

Lillian. [Coquettishly.] So you think me charming, Mi 
Davis ? 

Davis. Yes. You are divine. 

Lillian. How happy you make me when you say so. [Lean 
her head on his shoulder.] 

Cath. It's getting time to interfere. 
[Enter Tom door R. f. Catharina in door r. 3 e. Tom « 

stage near door in R. F. with back to Catharina, not seein 

her. Davis and Lillian down 'stage l. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 59 

Tom. [Not seeing Catharina's signals.] Father-in-law ! 

ave you gone clean cra..y ? [Davis a7zd Lillian separate 

'ickly. Davis making signs to Tom.] 

Cath. \Annoyed.\ He'll spoil everything ! 

Tom. [To Davis.] It's no use your making signals to me ! 

:an'i take all your faults on my shoulders like that anonymous 

Iter. Your wife is sure to find out in time. 

// these words of Tom, Catharina comes out door and with 

exclamation sin/cs in chair dowfi stage R. Button and 

Daniel enter with arms full of packages from door i?t L. F., 

and stop in astonishme?it.\ 

Lillian. His wife ! 

Tom. What have I done ! [Davis sinks iftto chair down 

age with gesture of despair as much as to say, " Ifs all 

> with me now."\ 

TABLEAU and CURTAIN. 



ACT IV. 

\As curtain rises, Davis discovered down stage R. Enter 
im and AXi^'&'t2ifro7?t door r. 3 -E. and take positions, AugUSta 
Tom L.] 

Davis. Well, children, did you speak to mother ? 

Tom. Yes, but it was useless. 

Augusta. We have done all we could to make her change 

r resolution, but could not move her. 

Tom. Mother has sent all the trunks to the hotel — yours in- 

-ided. She only waits here for the lawyer. Then we are 

ing home. 

Davis. And what becomes of me ? 

Augusta. She didn't say a word about that. Oh ! papa, if 

divorce could only be prevented ! Why don't you try and 

e and ask her pardon. 

Tom. I think Gussie is right. 

Davis. Children, it's easy for you to talk. I am willing 

ough ; I have tried, but she always looks at me with a glare 

mpared with which a cold-storage warehouse is a burning 

Icano. 



6o A CRAZY IDEA. 

Cath. ^Enters r. 3 e. Comes down between Davis au'. 
Augusta. Very stern expression. Never notices Davis. 
Children, I am glad to find you alone. I have something t( 
tell you. 

Davis. [Dejectedly.'] Alone ! 

Augusta. \Protestingly.\ Mamma ! 

Tom. But we are not alone. 

Cath. [Looking around the room.] I can see no one beside 
you two ! 

Davis. There you are. I'm not on earth ! 

Cath. I have altered my plans a little. I have decided nc 
to go home with Augusta. We will go to some quiet place 
where I can give vent to my widow's grief without outside in. 
terference. i 

Davis. Widow's grief! Excuse me. -[Catharina throw} 
withering glance at him. \ She's got an eye like a wild-beas 
trainer. 

Cath. You can follow us later, Tom, and then the famil) 
circle will be complete. 

Augusta. [Protesting.] Mamma ! 

Tom. What about your husband ? 

Cath. We'll keep his memory green. [Davis bows with 
mock humility.] He had many good qualities, and barring hii 
little faults, he had earned for himself the name of a good has 
band and father. 

Augusta. \Joyftilly.\ What, you give in ? 

Tom. [Joyfully.] Then you forgive him.? 

Davis. [Stretching out arms towards Catharina.] Cath 
arina, dear 1 

Cath. [Turning around and glanciiig as before.] I honoi 
the memory of him who has gone before us. We must speal 
nothing but good of the dead, for he is dead to me. May hi: 
soul rest in peace. 

Davis. [Mechanically.] Amen ! [Suddenly .] Thundei 
and blazes, I can stand this no longer. 

Cath. \Sa?ne glance. To Augusta.j You go to the bote 
first and I'll follow you. If you wish to take leave of you; 
former father, I have nothing against it. [Goes tip stage.] 

Augusta. [Aside to Davis.] Come to see me at the hotel 
and we will have a chance to talk over this and see what is bes 
to be done. [Ex. quickly door R. F.] 

Cath. \To Tom.] Please let me know as soon as the lawye 
comes. [_Ex. R. 3 e,] 

Davis. [Looking after her.] There goes my widow. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 6l 

m. Poor old Dad ! 

Davis. I am much obliged for your sympathy. I am going 
to Gussie. Will you come along ? 

Tom. Impossible to leave just now. 

Davis. Then I'll see you later. [Goes towards door 'R. ¥.] 
So, Catharina, I no longer exist for you. I am simply going 
about as a ghost ! I'm dead, eh .? It's a funny feeling ! I 
never would have thought it ! Tom, do me one favor. Let 
me know when my funeral comes off. [Ex. door R. F. with 
mock solcimiity.'] 

Tom. [Takitig a few paces to R.] Thank the Lord, the 
house is slowly being emptied, still I suffer such fears as I 
would not wish my most annoying creditor to have, and all on 
account of my aunt's telegram. It is really stupid to allow a 
telegram to affect me so. What can she possibly want here — 
and with Eva too ? Perhaps it was only a passing fancy, and 
she has changed her mind ere this. 

[Enter Beatrice and Eva, door R. F. Shake hands with Tom. 
Beatrice c, Tom R., Eva l.] 

Beat. My dear nephew ! 

Eva. Cousin Tom ! 

Tom. Ah ! Auntie ! Eva ! [Aside.] So she didn't change 
her mind. 

Beat. Poor Tom. How lonesome you must have been in 
this big house and all alone. 

Eva. Every day we talked about you. 

Beat. And now, I will tell you why, without my husband's 
knowledge, and behind his back, we took this trip. It concerns 
both Eva and yourself. [Eva bends her head attd casts down 
her eyes i7t confusion.] 

Tom. [Observing Eva ; aside.] Here comes the catas- 
trophe ! I expected it. 

Eva. [Aside to Beatrice.] Break it as gently as you can, 
mamma. 

Beat. You two have been as good as engaged from your in- 
fancy, and Eva is very fond of you. 

Tom. [Lajnentingly.] Indeed ! 

Beat. [Hesitatingly.] That is to say — as one loves a cousin 
— with whom one has been brought up and has been in daily 
contact — or in other words — simply from habit. 

Eva. [Aside to Beatrice.] Don't be too abrupt, mamma ! 

Beat. But marriage is quite another thing — and — and — Eva 
does not love you well enough to become your wife. [Aside,] 
Thank heaven, the cat's out of the bag ! 



62 A CRAZY IDEA. | 

I 

Tom. [Overjoyed s crossing Beatrice io Eva.] Eva ! Is 
this really true .'' 

Eva. [Still with cast-down eyes.] I hope you will forgiv^ 
me, Tom, but I cannot act otherwise. f 

Tom. My dearest cousin you have lifted a weight from my 
heart. 

Eva. [Gla7ici7ig up J gladly.] How funny ! And you don't 
care for me in that way either ? 

Tom. Not the least little bit ! -^ 

Eva. Oh, I am so happy ! 5 

Tom. But how did my charming little cousin reach this con- 
clusion .? 

Beat. Eva has, unknown to herself, been for some time in 
love with some one else. 

Tom. And who is the lucky fellow ? What's his name ? 
Where does he live ? I'll make him my best friend ! 

Beat. You'll see him here to-day, for I sent him word to 
meet us here. His name is Neill Browning. 

Tom. What! Browning? [He bursts out laughing.] And 
Uncle 

Beat. What do you mean ? "^ 

Tom. Oh, nothing — nothing. 

Beat. He's been in love with Eva for a great while, but never 
had the courage to confess it to her father ; who seems to have 
taken a great dislike to him. 

Tom. That's queer ; why should he ? 

Beat. Now, that we three are allied, everything will go 
smoothly. 

Tom. [Crossing back to R. ; smiling aside.] Poor uncle; 
suspected his wife ! It's funny. 

Puders. [Battering from R. 2 E. pale and dejected and 
without seeittg the others.] I'm all broke up ! I'm a complete 
wreck ! It's the fault of the wine. I can't dissipate ! [Sinks 
into arjnchair down R.] 

Beat. [Aside to Tom.] Who is this gentleman ? 

Tom. [ 7"<? Beatrice zV^ confusion.] He's a poor fellow who 
has seen better days ; he's had bad luck — he's come down in 
the world ; I took pity on him. He helps me to keep the house 
in order. 

Puders. [Aside.] I think I'd better take a little fresh air ! 
Oh, my head ! 

Eva. How sad the poor fellow looks. 

Beat. Now, before Neill comes, we had better arrange our 
toilets a little. 



A CRAZY IDEA. 

om. [Hastily crossirg to door L. 2 E. and opening door.] 
Then take this room, as you will find all you want ready in this 
•00m. [Aside.] How lucky we got rid ofthe laij* Lillian in time! 

Puders. [J^ises, turns around — aside.] Ah ! Ladies ! 
Aloud.] Excuse me, ladies, that I did not see you before, but 
"nomentarily 1 am in a condition that excuses many things. 

Eva. Poor fellow ; we know all about it. 

Puders. [Astonished.] What ! Who told you ? 

Beat. Don't be despondent. Better days may come. 

Puders. I hope so, for as it is, I couldn't stand it much 
longer. 

Beat. [Pressing money in Puder's hand.] Here, poor fellow, 

Eva. [Sa?ne business.] This is for your family. [Exit 
Beatrice and Eva quickly l. 2. e.] 

Puders. [Astonished; opens hands and sees money in each.] 
What's the meaning of this ^ Why did they give me money ? 
Do I look so dilapidated as all that ? Or, did those ladies want 
to make fun of me ? Oh ! how miserable I feel ! My head ! 
My stomach ! I wish I was dead ! 

Tom. So do I ! Why don't you go and take some fresh air. 
Take an open car and take a ride. 

Puders. I think that is the best thing I can do. Oh ! Oh ! 
When I come back I can ask those ladies, why 

Tom. [Pushing hiin throiigh door R, F.] Go on ! Go 
ahead ! [Ex. Puders. Tom sinks i?i armchair R. of desk.] 
No matter where I turn, I see a pitfall everywhere ! Really I 
don't see how my situation could be aggravated. 

Stone. [E?tteri?tg door R. F.] Ah ! Tom, my dear boy, 
isn't this a surprise. I'll bet that I'm the last person you ex- 
pected, eh ? 

Tom. [J limping up in stir prise ?^ Uncle ! Is it really you ? 

Stone. In flesh and blood. You can feel me — I'm no ghost. 

Tom. What brought you home 1 

Stone. You know that I make up my mind quickly and act 
often on impulse. Well, I told your aunt and Eva a cock-and- 
bull story about going to Boston, but instead I just came in 
here. I'm going to sell this house and only came when it was 
time to sign the deeds. 

Tom. But where did you leave auntie and Eva ? . 

Stone. I left them admiring nature's wonders at Niagara 
Falls. 

Tom. [Glancitig at door L. 2 E.] Is that so ? 

Stone. Now, I'll write a few lines and send to a friend in 
Boston, who will re-post them to my wife at the Falls. It's 



64 A CRAZY IDEA. 

better to be a little careful. First, I'll wash up a bit. [He goes 
to door R. 2 E. which he opens, and looks in.] You've made 
a nice mess of my room. [Ex. r. 2 E.] 

Tom. Well, I throw up the sponge. I don't care what 
happens next ; but I must warn auntie and Eva. [Knocks at 
door L. 2 E. and calls.] Auntie ! Eva ! [Beatrice and Eva 
enter.] 

Eva. What's the matter, Tom ? 

Tom. Hush ! don't talk so loud. Uncle is here. 

Beat. [Frightened.] My husband ? 

Tom. Yes. He's jealous of Mr. Browning. On that account 
he wants to sell his house and move from here. 

Beat, Run as fast as you can to Mr. Howe. You know 
where he lives. Tell him not to come here until I have had a 
chance to speak to my husband. 

Tom. I fly. But go into your room. Lock the door and 
don't come out until my return. 

Beat. AH right, but go ! go ! [Beatrice and Eysl ^xit l. 2. e. 
Heard locking door s Tomr7ins off door R. F. Sjone re-enters 
R. 2 E. 

Stone. That boy has made a terrible mess in my room. 
Everything is upside down, I'll see if the other rooms are in 
the same condition. [He takes a few steps totuard door R. 3 E. 
Hicks enters R. F. door ; they shake hajids.] 

Hicks. Oh ! dear old boy ! I called before but didn't find 
you in. 

Stone. My dear Sam! 1 am glad to see you. [Pushes him to 
sofa L.] Have been on a trip and only just now returned. 

Hicks. [Sitting on sofa.] Really ! 

Stone. [Sitting Reside him.] It's a long time since we've 
seen each other. How things have changed since ! Of course 
you know I got married again. 

Hicks. You don't say so ! 

Stone. Yes ; my wife is a charming young woman. And we 
live very happily. That is to say, I would be happier if I were 
not so jealous. 

Hicks. You don't say so ? 

Stone. For heaven's sake can t you say anything but " You 
don't say so ? " 

Hicks. I can, and before I leave I'lLgive you a piece of ad- 
vice. 

Stone. You don't say so ? 

Hicks. Philopena ! Is your wife in the habit of receiving 
visits from gentlemen during your absence ? 



A CRAZY IDEA. 65 

Stone. What do you mean, — Sam ? 

Hicks. Well \ The first time I called I found your wife in 
a very intimate conversation with a stranger. 

Stone. [Risitig and tapping Hick's hcad.\ Sammy, you 
have wheels ! My wife is not here, but in Niagara Falls. 

Hicks. \Also rising.\ Say, Jim — are you dead sure of it ? 

Stone. If I wasn't sure, you would have frightened me into 
a nice state. 

Brown. [Enters door R. F.] She wrote me to come and I 
did. I'll tear the mask from her brazen face. [Aloud.] Ah ! 
Mr. Stone ! 

Stone. [Running furiously up.] How dare you come here ! 
By what right do you enter my house ? 

Brown. Excuse me, sir ! I may as well tell you all ! Your 
so-called wife has summoned me here. 

Stone. Impossible ! 

Hicks. What did I tell you ? 

Stone. [Staggering.] Give me a chair. 

Brown. Why, Mr. Stone, what is the matter ? 

Stone. What's the matter ? You ask me ? Do you think I 
can remain quiet when you dare to insult me in my own house ? 

Brown. What else could you expect ? 

Stone. Sir ! 

Brown. Well, what of it ? You are not bound to her. If 
you were married to her 

Stone. I am losing my senses. Sir, what makes you think 
I am not married ? 

Brown. Your own servant told me so. 

Stone. My servant ? I have none. Still I am married. 

Brown. Really ! I can't tell you how happy that makes 
me. 

Stone. But not me. I'll get a divorce from her and then you 
can have her. 

Brown. I ? 

Stone. Didn't you make love to her ? 

Brown. [More surprised.] I? 

Stone. [To Hicks. j Was that the fellow you saw ? 

Hicks. No ! 

Stone. What ! Still another one ? But where's the other 
fellow ? Why don't he show up, that I may murder him ? 

Davis. [Enter 'Dsivis door R. f.] I wonder what has become 
of Tom ? [Co7nes down between Stone and Hicks.] 

Hicks. [Pointing to Davis.] That's the man ! 

Stone. [Crossing his arms and lookijig at DsLVis/rom head 
5 



66 A CRAZY IDEA. 

to foot.'] So it's you, sir ! Excuse me, but you're neither 
young nor good looking. 

Davis. Pardon me, sir! 

Stone. It's a sin against good taste for a woman to fall in 
love with you ! 

Davis. See here, sir ! What do you want with me ? 

Stone. Vengeance ! Blood ! 

Davis. Blood ? I've got none to spare. Why don't you go 
to a butcher's shop ? 

Stone. No more subterfuge. My friend here [i?tdicaiing 
Hicks] has seen you with her, 

Davis. Oh, the dickens ! Was she your wife ? If so, allow 
me to offer you a piece of good advice. When one is married 
to such a handsome young woman, one should not allow her to 
wander about without protection. 

Stone. You'll answer to me for this ! 

Davis. I ask for nothing better. If you wish to play the part 
of the severe husband you will also pay her dressmaker's bills. 

Stone. What ! My wife has allowed you to pay her bills. 

Davis. Here is the receipt. Three hundred and twenty 
dollars. 

Stone. This is the name of Lillian Tussell — my wife's name 
is Beatrice Stone. 

Davis. That makes no difference. Perhaps she called her- 
self thus because "Stone" was too common a name. 

Tom. [Enters door R. F.] The lawyer was not at home ! 
[Seeing others.'] What! my uncle and my prospective father- 
in-law both here ? Then I'm off ! [Starts out again.] 

Stone. Stop, Tom ! I want an explanation. My wife is 
here. Where is she ? You are sure to know, 

Tom. Well, since you know all — [Goes to door L, 2 E, 
Knocks.] You'd better come out, Auntie. Uncle knows you 
are here. [Crosses to extreme r, lower corner. S.one to his 
L. Beatrice enters, takes c. Davis and Hicks l. Browning 
a little up stage to L.] 

Beat. [Before entering.] Wait a moment, dear, until I talk to 
rpapa. [She then assumes C.J 

Stone. Beatrice, 1 know all ! 

Beat. [Looking at Browning.] Ah ! you do ? Then it will 
be much easier for me to explain. 

Brown. [Aside.] What nerve ! 

Beat. I hope you'll agree with me. Mr. Browning is a verv 
estimable young man of good family. 

Stone. Is that all the consolation I'll get ? 



A CRAZY IDEA. 6^ 

Beat. What have you against him ? 

Stone. Oh, nothing at all, madam. But what about the 
other one ? 

Beat. Which other one. 

StOE3. Tremble, madam. I'll confront you with your ac- 
cusers. \Tak:s her by the hand and leads her to where 
Hicks and Davis stand. \ What have you to say now ? 

Divis. ^Politely.'] Kindly give me an introduction. 

Stone. [Astonished.^ I thought you knew my wife ! 

Dav s. Your wife ? 

HiCks. Is this lady your wife ? [Hicks scratches behind 
his ear and slowly sneaks off door R. F.] 

Beat. What is there to be astonished at ? 

Davis. [To Siione.] I say ! What are you driving at ? 

Bsat. That's what I would like to know ! 

Ston3. Beatrice, tell me openly and honestly — how can you 
explain your presence here ? 

Beat. It's quite simple. While I thought you had gone to 
Boston, I took the opportunity of bringing Eva and Mr. Brown- 
ing together. They have loved each other for a long time. 

Stone. What's this, sir ? You in love with my daughter ? 
Beatrice forgive me, my jealousy is the cause of it all. 

Bea";. When will you cease beingjealous ? 

Stone. Never, because you are beautiful and I love you. 

Eva. [Sticking her head out L. 2 e. enters and remains L.] 
May I come out, mamma? 

Stone. Mr. Browning, your future wife awaits your pleasure. 

Brown. [Going to ^1^12^.'] My darling! 

Stone. [To Tom,] My boy— I kept her for you. 

Tom. I submit to my fate, uncle. 

Davis. Of course he does, for he is my future son-in-law. 
[Enter Catliarina a7id Augusta from r. 2 e. they coine down 
between Davis aiid Beatrice.] 

Augusta. Tom, I've been waiting for you. 

Clth. What kept you so long ? 

Tom. [Coming between Catharina and Augusta.] My 
dear mother-in-law. My darling Gussie, allow me to present 
you to my uncle, Mi\ Stone ; my aunt, Mrs. Stone ; my cousin, 
Eva, and her fiance Mr. Neill Browning. [All acknowledge 
introiiictions.\ 

Stone. Now everybody is happy. 

Davis. Except me ! [Dejected.'l 

Augusta. Mamma ! [Points to Davis.] 

Cath. [Holding out her hands .\ John! 



68 



A CRAZY IDEA. 



Davis. If you want me bad enough to wake me from the 
dead. [Holds out his arms, she falls into them. Davis arid 
Catharina extreme L. front. Stone and Beatrice. Extre?ne 
K. front. Tom ««^ Augusta L. c. /r^«/. Browning ««^ Eva 
R. c. front.] 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



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